O, come on, let's try to write a better story than that. . . .
Elijah Wood appears in F-Cup Fitzgerald's office Backstage.
"How the hell did I get here?" Wood says, looking around at the unfamiliar surroundings. He's just materialized in F-Cup Fitzgerald's reception room in Suite #2404.
F-Cup Fitzgerald walks out to Wood from his inner office, tying a bathrobe around himself. From behind Fitzgerald can be heard two female voices, giggling and speaking quietly in Japanese.
"What's all this disturbance?" Fitzgerald demands. "And why aren't you wearing any clothes?" Wood tries to cover his genitals with his hands. Fitzgerald zaps him into a pair of swim trunks for modesty's sake. He goes to the secretary's desk and shuffles a few papers. "Damn! Another one sentence episode from some illiterate novice!" Fitzgerald taps his foot impatiently. "You've been OPTIONED, I can't do anything about that! And from an old episode of mine?"
Wood looks down. He's got an erection. "I feel like I was about to have sex, or something," Wood mumbles awkwardly.
"You're lucky I got to your episode first, or you might be having sex with Ian McKellan right now." Fitzgerald paused. He walked back into his office and came back with a stack of photos and a small, hand-held randomizer. He activated the randomizer three times. "Okay, you can have sex with HER--" (Fitzgerald held up a nude photo of Devon Daniels) "--or HER--" (Fitzgerald held up a nude photo of Petra Verkaik) "--or HER!" (Fitzgerald held up a fully-clothed picture of Shoshanna Lonstein, former girlfriend of Jerry Seinfeld. In this particular picture, Lonstein's bust has been enormously enlarged by the morph artist "Leaf")
"Can't I just give you a name of somebody I know instead?" Wood suggested.
"Possibly," said Fitzgerald. "Although the Randomizer seldom makes a bad match for some odd reason. You could always ask to have sex with someone else, though."
Fri Aug 30 23:27:37 2002