There was an umbrella stand in the shape of an elephant's foot. Or maybe it was an elephant's foot hollowed out and stuffed with umbrellas? And walking sticks. A cheap looking cane with a glass 'diamond' on top and a button. It probably lit up when you pressed it, provided there were enough batteries in the cane portion, anyway, and... a sword?
Jim cast his gaze back to spot Roberta still glaring at him like he was a stubborn stain that just wouldn't leave her store. He pointed at the sword handle poking out of the stand, "An actual sword, or one of those gag umbrella handles?"
Roberta flicked a piece of lint off her baggy sweater and nodded, "Go ahead and look. Not like you could break anything in stock, anyway." She brushed a stray shock of hair out of her masculine seeming face.
Jim nodded and grasped the handle. It was smooth, warm, almost like flesh. Moreover it was a legitimate seeming sword, complete with a pink scabbard that had the word 'invincible' emblazoned on it. Just holding it made Jim feel more powerful, unbeatable, hidden. He looked down at his hand and was almost surprised to see it still there. The price tag read a mere five dollars, negotiable. "Uh... negotiable?" he asked in confusion.
Roberta scowled deeper, "Right, I still have that. Negotiable because it's faulty. Was supposed to be a badass sword. Someone used too much pun magic so now it's a bad ass-sword." she straightened her sweater and shrugged, "Full price for you, since you aren't exactly the magic using type, and running around with swords borders on illegal most places these days."
Jim scowled back. "A badass badass sword?" His mind went to feeling up Roberta, admittedly by accident, not long ago. Her ass wasn't that bad. "Does it make peoples' asses like flabby, or flat or something?"
"It is a sword. It cuts things," Roberta explain in annoyance, "And it might be attracted to horrible puns. let me guess, you're surprised I can see you?"
Jim blinked, "Well, a little bit, but I figured you're some sort of wiz-or...ess? Spellie castie person?" It made sense that a witch, don't say that out loud to the scary litigious person making you buy stuff, could see him despite his overwhelming feeling of invisibility. Despite that he was fairly sure he could defeat her if it came to it...
"Right, and that's surprisingly good logic from.... yeah. Anyway, notice the scabbard. Invincible. Normally the spell enhances invincible traits. This one's flawed and makes you feel like your unbeatable, but also puns out to unseeable. If it said badass it would make you feel tougher, but also uncomfortable about your flat, unappealing backside. Get it?"
Jim glanced back at his ass. It didn't seem that bad to him. Sharon seemed to appreciate it. "What's wrong with my ass?" he queried.
Roberta sighed, "Nothing is wrong with... Look, it was an example, see. Like chess would make you think more about chess, chests, cheese, and maybe even make you a chess-nut because that's an awful pun, too. Look, you buying the thing and I let you out the back way, or am I calling the cops?"
"Geeze, I'm buying. I'm buying already." Jim dug into his pocket, hoping to find his wallet and a credit card. He pulled out a five dollar bill, instead. He looked at it for a half moment before shrugging. He didn't remember having actual cash on him, but was willing to work with it. "Taxes?" he asked before striding toward Roberta, five spot out front.
"Not on that. It's exempt. Now, door's over there," she hooked a thumb at a spot Jim was fairly sure had been shelving a moment ago. "So just press your thumb here and get... Aw, fuck." Jim was gone and the door swung shut. The damn sword wasn't sealed to him yet. Still, the odds it would come in contact with a legitimate source of magic were low, that was part of why she'd placed the shop in this particular location and filled it with flawed items. Still, it was a pain in the ass she couldn't at least get a thumb print off the fool boy. Something niggled at the back of her mind. There were no coincidences, especially not in magic. In fact, the more coincidental the more likely some magic was trying to make something seem less suspicious. Oh, god, had the sword just engineered its own escape?
Jim stepped out of the store and found himself outside his house. Despite his long nap he was tired as though he had just spent the last several hours running a marathon. He would have chalked it up to an hallucination had it not been for his badass sword of invincibility. What was it that transgendered guy said about it? Swat someone in the ass with it for a badass good time? That seemed unlikely. He barely got his front door unlocked and opened before collapsing on the sofa for a long night's sleep...
Fri Aug 05 23:16:18 2016
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