This was not working. Kazuma had his head against a table in the guild hall. His other two party members had just left to get themselves something to drink, but it was pretty clear they were simply ignoring the truth for the sake of their own pride: Their party sucked.
It should have been simple, having an Arch Priest and an Arch Wizard in his party. But the Arch Priest was a total idiot, and the Arch Wizard could only cast one extremely powerful spell a day. Throw in an Adventurer, the worst class of them all, and literally the only reason their party was still standing was because those giant frogs were even stupider than Aqua, and stayed totally still while eating. Namely, eating his fellow party members while he attacked them.
How were they supposed to get stronger like this? How were they supposed to be able to buy better equipment? Move past the first settlement, and onto the gradually more potent challenges on their way to the Demon King? A pipe dream! Ten lifetimes with this party would not be enough! They were a watch made of gears that did not fit together. He stood up and pounded the table just at the same moment someone said "Excuse me."
"Useless!" he yelled, causing the heavily armoured woman in front of him to jump back a little. "They're all totally useless! We will all die long before we get anything done! It's a joke! It's all over, it's -" and that, dear reader, was the point at which he noticed the stunningly beautiful woman staring right at him. "It's rather rude of me not to introduce myself, my name is Kazuma."
"Yes, I know!" the woman said. She puffed out her chest, and oh even under that armour Kazuma could tell that was a chest worth puffing out! "My name is Darkness. I have heard about you from some of the other parties. I understand that there is an opening in yours?"
There are times in this world where prayers are answered. When he'd first had his stats checked Kazuma had learned he had a high luck value. Given how things went for him it hardly seemed like it, right until this moment! She was gorgeous! Sure enough his other two party members were kind of pretty in their own way, but this was something else entirely.
"Ah, okay," Kazuma nodded. "So, what's your class?"
"Crusader," Darkness answered with a smidgen of pride. A Crusader?! That was a high tier class, equal to his other party members! No, wait a moment Kazuma. There must be something wrong with this person as well. Why would a Crusader want to join a low level party like yours? "While my accuracy isn't especially good, my defensive abilities are out of this world."
"Is that so...?" Kazuma stroked his chin. "In other words, you can't hit anything at all but can tank damage like a champion." That could be useful. However... "Why do you want to join our party?"
"Because... To be honest, no other party seems to want me around."
He knew it. "And why is that?"
She leaned across the table, putting her face close to his. It was strange, but the closer she got the more beautiful she became. Really breathtaking. Sure, Aqua had that whole supernatural beauty and radiance going on but this... it felt like something else. And so Kazuma did the only thing he could do in a situation like this.
He fish-hooked both sides of her mouth using his thumbs, and pinched her cheeks.
"Oy, oy! Don't dodge the question," he said. Darkness responded by squirming in place. "I asked you why other parties don't want you around, I don't want you trying to distract me with your pretty face. What kind of easy girl are you anyway, trying to get by on just your looks." He pinched harder. For some reason he felt really... Good right now. "In fact, I bet that is why the other parties didn't want you," he continued. "They could sense that you were the city's bicycle. Everyone gets a ride, right? They didn't want a dirty girl like you." She whimpered. It was the sweetest symphony. "Because you're filthy. You're trashy. And just like trash, they threw you -"
Which was right about when someone bopped him on the head from behind. Aqua, it turned out.
"Just like a NEET!" the Goddess mocked. "Always harassing women! If you'd just left the house more often you might have better manners!"
"Horrible... simply horrible!" Megumin was shuddering in disgust. Kazuma opened his mouth to defend himself from the pair of them, but very quickly found himself without anything to say. That was a weird thing for him to do. Why did he...?
"Ooooh!" Darkness rubbed her cheeks. "I... I knew I had made the right choice. Mmm, yes! Definitely the right choice!" Huh. There was something about that smile that made Kazuma feel a little on edge. She... Enjoyed that? Wait, it couldn't be. This Crusader was actually -
Aqua leaned over Darkess and smiled brightly and apologetically, while simultaneously reminding everyone else in the room that whether they believed in Aqua or not, she did not believe in underwear. "Hey there, I'm sorry about him. He's lived such a lonely virgin life. Try not to judge him too harshly, for the fates have already done so. I mean, Kazuma certainly is pitiful enough to randomly attack a strange woman with a wildly perverted grin, and he does have a history of usig the Steal ability to acquire women's underwear..."
"Hey! What kind of rumours are you spreading about me?!" Kazuma yelled.
"THe worst kind," Megumin nodded sagely. "Completely true statement of fact!"
He tugged her hat down over her eyes. "You're not helping! Anyway, Darkness! I'm sorry, but I don't think you would make a good fit for this party. I'm afraid I'm going to have to refuse your offer."
Uh oh. It seemed as though he'd badly underestimated her masochism! She was even getting off on a refusal?! How badly did she have this issue engraved on her soul?!
"Yess," she hissed. "Say no to me some more! Make me beg! Make me squirm! Make me so desperate to join your party that I'll do anything, anything at all!"
"Oy, oy, Kazuma..." Aqua glowered at him. "You didn't cast any strange spells on this woman while we weren't watching, were you?"
"What kind of weirdass spell would do this to someone?!" he yelled. "And who would even teach me that kind of thing anyway?"
"Oh no, he's already plotting and scheming..." Megumin shuddered. "The perverted nature of a NEET virgin is terrifying to behold!"
"Ah, so that's your game?" Darkness asked on her hands and knees. "You're going to break me down, aren't you? Then you'll cast a wicked spell to ensnare my will and turn me into your puppet! No, please! Spare me that wicked fate!"
That was it! He couldn't take it anymore! Kazuma reached down and grabbed her nose, ignoring the fact that she was enjoying every moment of it, and led her out of the guild hall. "The last thing we need is some dirty minded Crusader who gets off on being humiliated!" he yelled. "This is why the other parties didn't want you! Someone like that is a total liability! Find another avenue of work before you destroy my reputation as well! Goodbye!"
And so Kazuma returned to his table having left Darkness outside, where she was rubbing her poor nose with an expression on her face that could only be described as perverted euphoria. "Oh yes, you'll do nicely," she said to herself, licking her lips. "The truth is, they didn't kick me out. I left them when it became obvious there were limits to their sadism, no matter how much I drew out. But with just a little bit of work..."
Her breathing took a funny turn. Deep, sucking breaths. Darkness bit her lip hard enough to draw blood on someone else, but on her it wasn't even a tenth hard enough.
"I'll draw it out!" she declared. "Just like the others I will draw out Kazuma's sadistic perversion to its fullest! Oooh, yes! He'll make such a wonderful master! I cannot wait to see how far he'll go!"
Mon Apr 24 00:27:47 2017