The first thing that happened was an explosion, then there was a scream.
“Eeeek! Kazuma, save me I don’t want to die!” The unfortunate Japanese boy blinked and took in his surrounding. A cloud of dust had filled the entire shop and made it impossible to see further than a hand length. That didn’t mean he was unaware of who was clinging to him and screaming right into his ears though.
“Shut up you useless goddess and let go already! Look, if that explosion had any damage potential, we would be hurt already.” The blue-haired girl grabbing onto him sniffled before starting to cry right into his shoulder. Oh come on, even if they now sort of had their own mansion that didn’t mean they were rich. Why did the idiot goddess have to ruin one of his few outfits?
These were the thoughts of Kazuma as he tried to pry the goddess of water off of him. Really, what the hell was it with her, did she multiclass in luchadore when he wasn’t looking? Maybe he should take a look at her stat sheet, he wouldn't put it past her to do something that useless.
Slowly the dust was falling to the ground and Kazuma made out Wiz standing not too far away. The former general of the demon lord looked also teary-eyed, but more because she was worried for her merchandise. Though as far as Kazuma was concerned, most of her things were the sort of cursed items that would normally need an epic tabletop campaign to remove. Either that or they were simply impossible to use for anyone who wasn’t some sort of super-magician or high level warrior.
Finally a certain hat came back into sight, quickly followed by a dark haired girl with crimson eyes. She looked a little ruffled and confused, but when she noticed him staring, the girl immediately puffed out her chest and loudly declared...
“Hah, as expected of my rival Yunyun.. but I’m actually right handed!” Kazuma twitched at that particular remark, wondering for a moment if he had misheard.
“Eh? Yes, you were using your right hand this entire time.” Opposite of the now revealed Megumin stood Yunyun, looking at her ‘rival’ with confusion clear in her eyes. Already the boy from Japan felt like facepalming. He already knew what sort of thing they were going to start now.
“That isn’t what you should say.. I mean.. that was of course part of my plan all along!” The archwizard struck a pose, one hand in a V-sign over her left eye. “One like me mustn’t be defiled by careless lies! The power sealed within my eye would be released!”
“But you aren’t even wearing your eyepatch right now.” Kazuma felt a smirk appearing on his face as Megumin twitched and gave Yunyun a betrayed look. Then though ,the strange dialogue was interrupted by a cry of despair.
“No! the orb….” And now that Kazuma checked the desk on which that very object had been sitting before. Yeah, it looked like the origin of the cloud was that very orb. Why did he know that? Well because nothing but a small puddle of dust remained of the magic item.
“Ehhh I'm sorry!” Apologized Yunyun quickly while bowing towards the Lich. Then her cleavage started to glow. For a moment he thought that was some stupid hentai trope choosing now of all times to manifest in this dumb world. The fact that a ray of light was coming out of Megumin’s skirt did not help in the slightest.
But then the girl pulled something small from between her chest. Not quite enough to dissuade him of the hentai trope theory, at least until he saw what it was she had pulled out. Yunyun held her guild card between her fingers, squinting her eyes to not be blinded by the slowly dimming light. Megumin had also pulled her own card from somewhere under her skirt, Kazuma did not want to think about where exactly.
It took both girls a few seconds to recognize the text that had appeared on their cards. Both of them lifted them closer to their eyes to read the text on them more easily.
“Induce.. Friendship?” Asked Yunyun, a baffled look on her face. Now, it is important to know that a guild card (also known as adventurer card) is more than just a piece of paper. To use pen and paper terms, they were basically a character sheet. Containing information on one’s stats, class, skills and what sort of techniques and spells one could learn and how much they cost. A man could learn the swordfighting skill and instantly become, if not a master, then at least a passable swordfighter. Because of this, it was rather easy for any adventurer to be skilled in whatever weapons they desired to use. There was really no reason to not learn such a skill since they could also often be upgraded. Indeed, an adventurer not knowing how to use their weapon was thus close to impossible.
*Scene Break*
A blonde bombshell of a woman sneezed loudly before rubbing her nose and wondering if someone was talking about her. “Ohhhh! Maybe Kazuma is spreading horrible rumours about me…” A perverted giggle escaped the knight which caused a number of bar-goers close by to give her disturbed looks.
*Scene Break*
While Yunyun was mostly just surprised by the sudden addition to her card, Megumin was all but vibrating in place. Her face was scrunched up in barely contained anger, then she started loudly complaining.
“If you are going to give me magic freebies, give me explosions!
“... Didn’t you get it via explosion?” Asked Kazuma while walking towards the distraught Archwizard so he could also get a good look at what had happened.
“It doesn’t matter! I want a refund.” Said Megumin, sounding like a whiny kid rather than a mighty magician. Though by Kazuma’s humble opinion, there was something rather fitting about this comparison..
“Didn’t you describe it as a freebie?” He asked, then looked over the short girl’s shoulder. Huh, nothing had changed about her stats from what he could see. But on the list of her spells was something new and.. there were also a few new things on the list of things she could learn now that he checked that area. (Though that list was already pretty big given her refusal to learn anything other than explosion magic.)
“Induce Friendship, single target, line of sight, charm effect?” Mumbled Yunyun while turning the card within her hands.
“Kazuma, this is a matter of principles! I cannot just let them get away with this so easily.” And now she was talking as if there was a conspiracy going on to make her use something that isn’t an explosion. Kazuma wondered if he would see her declaring that the world was going to end at the end of the year.
Out of the corner of his eyes, he saw Yunyun pulling something out from somewhere. Then there was a glitter reflected off of the light of the sun coming in from the window from that object.
“Amicitia!” Declared the member of the Crimson Demon Clan while pointing her staff at Kazuma. A pink ray of light burst out of the mystic focus and quickly rushed towards the unlucky boy. But at that very moment, Kazuma grabbed Megumin and pulled her right into the shooting path of Yunyun’s attack.
“Traitor!” Was the only thing Megumin could say before the spell hit her right into the face. There was a zapping sound and Yunyun watched in glee as the magic took effect. The pink light from the spell seeped into the girl, then seemed to gather in her eyes, forming literal hearts inside her pupils. They were even beating!
“Uuuhhh what..?” Megumin asked as she wobbled in place like she were drunk. Then she looked at Yunyun and the hearts within her eyes got bigger and brighter.
“Buddy! How have you been?” The self-proclaimed greatest magician in the world asked.
“Eeeeeeeeeeehh!” Yunyun put both her hands on her cheeks and all but jumped in place from sheer excitement. When she had read the card, she had thought it to be too good to believe. But it was real! It was really, really real!
“I can have friends?” She asked almost with a sniffle, then continued more positive. “I can have friends!”
“Of course you can buddy! You got me after all!” With these words Megumin moved towards her new friend and started to hug her. Yunyun blinked, tears threatening to come out of her eyes. She was so happy, she didn’t even really notice how Megumin was face first between her breasts, which were by the way rather impressive for her age. Unable to contain her happiness, Yunyun grabbed Megumin and pushed her even closer to her body.
“Yes! We are best friends, sharing everything with each other.” Megumin mumbled something under her grip, before quickly starting to struggle against her new friend’s grip. After a few more seconds of helpless shaking and increasingly frantic movements, she went slack.
That, Yunyun noticed immediately. “Oh no, you’re not breathing! I can’t let my best friend suffocate!”
Kazuma watched as the girl pulled his teammate from between her breasts, then started shaking her in an attempt to wake her up. Finally Yunyun seemed to get a new idea and moved closer towards Megumin’s face...
With significant effort Kazuma looked away, knowing that what was probably going to happen wasn’t for him to watch. A pervert he may be, one that would happily harass his stupid teammates, but even he had standards! Impossible as it may seem to believe. Though it wasn’t like it was necessary given this risky even was interrupted by someone speaking...
“Ohhh why are you so close to my face mate?” And that was Megumin’s voice asking a question that was right out of one of these comedy manga he had read back on earth. Great, wonderful, now even the universe was making fun of his life.
Looking back, Yunyun had gained an atomic level blush and was looking anywhere aside from the girl she had been holding. Megumin for her part was patting herself down before looking up at Yunyun with a happy smile. The little pink hearts in her eyes beat to an invisible rhythm.
“Well buddy, what should we do now? I mean we had our duel but it seems to be a draw.” As Megumin asked that, Kazuma decided that it was really getting time to intervene. Because he just knew that something bad was going to happen if he let things keep going.
“You will stop this right here before it becomes a problem.” It was rare for the perverted boy to proactively try to stop the chaos that his troublesome teammates inevitably unleashed. But this was a special case even by the normal standards of his crazy life. “You cannot just go and brainwash people into being your friends. We don’t even know how long this will last!” He said while pointing towards Megumin who was in return looking at him.. intensely.
“Hey Kazuma! Not fair, no being mean to my best buddy.” With these words Megumin grabbed onto his arm. The boy wanted to retort for a moment, but then noticed that the girl was pushing something small and soft against his arm.
“M.. Megumin let go!” He said, trying to push the girl away. Normally he would enjoy such a thing as an accident, but it was embarrassing when the other person was clearly aware. Unfortunately, the archwizard seemed to have a lot of fun just seeing his distressed face while she pushed her small bust against him. Was this some sort of side-effect of this spell? She had never shown that sort of ridiculous interest before.
Wiz stepped closer to the entire thing, Aqua following in her wake.
“Look what you did with Megumin, Yunyun! Now she is going all crazy over a useless Hiki-NEET because of your weird magic.” The archwizard in question flinched, before slumping down a little. “I mean, you just used a unknown magic on someone without even testing whether it is harmful, what if it had hurt her even more? You could have turned Megumin into a vegetable. Or made it so she cannot do anything unless you tell her to do so!” Aqua continued scolding the magician, which in turn caused everyone else to stop whatever they were doing to stare at her in disbelief.
“This sort of irresponsible behaviour behaviour is unworthy of someone from the Crimson Demon Clan. Aren’t you the daughter of the village chief, you should not be so careless, how else are you going to take over that position one day?” Megumin had stopped embarrassing Kazuma, who was just standing there with a look of shock. Even Wiz had a somewhat baffled look on her face.
“Who are you and what did you do to the useless goddess!” Screamed Kazuma while pointing at the blue-haired Goddess who had just completed her tirade.
Aqua grabbed hold of Kazuma's cheeks and stretched them out. "Kazuma, don't you mean brilliant, beautiful and intelligent water Goddess?"
“Ohh, ouch..! Let go, let go!” Kazuma struggled to escape the deadly hold of the bluenette, but Aqua had the advantage right now and wasn’t willing to give it up.
“I.. I cannot have friends?” Yunyun meanwhile was looking miserable beyond measure, sniffling repeatedly with the floodgates threatening to open any moment. The poor girl seemed like she was about abandon all hope of a sunny future.
That was when Megumin stepped up to her and grabbed her by the shoulders.
“Don’t feel bad Yunyun, I am sure Aqua didn’t mean it badly. We just have to learn from this!” Said the girl in the stereotypical witch outfit. Yunyun looked up, still teary-eyed but with some hope shining within her. Sure, she shouldn’t go and get others into trouble. And anyway, she already had a friend. She should enjoy that for as long as it lasted.
"You are right, we must be responsible with this new, unknown spell." As Yunyun said that, she fully rose from her slumped up position. Even if things went back to normal when this magic inevitably vanished, she would treasure the time Megumin treated her with such kindness forever!
Kazuma had heard the girl’s words though and immediately felt a shiver go down his spine. These sort of declarations were never good in a world like this.. maybe he was wrong?
“So long as Megumin, the greatest of all magicians, mistress of darkness and queen of the flames of darkness, who wields power beyond measure and is feared across all the lands far and wide stands strong here, no best pal of hers shall shed a single tear!”
Eh? What was this idiot on about now? Wait, no... She couldn't be intending to - The thought was so alien that Kazuma could hardly believe it! Of all the times for her to overcome that particular character quirk, why here and why now? Why, oh why, did this have to be the one and only spell she'd be willing to cast outside of expl-
“So just smile and let me do this, Amicitia!” Megumin bent her knees slightly and held her staff out towards Yunyun while twinkling at her new best friend. Overall, she looked more like a magical girl than an archwizard, hell she was even sticking out her tongue a little.
This cutesy pose was even more scary than her usual attempts to be cool! It might even be more scary than hearing Aqua say 'hang on, I have a brilliant plan!' It was the sort of thing that could lead to horrifying results, remembering him of a certain anime involving befriending people with giant pink lasers and explosions.
*Scene Break*
Meanwhile, in an inn half way across town, Darkness tossed a dart, and immediately struck a bullseye.
Everyone in the entire inn paused and looked at her as if she had suddenly grown a second head and renamed herself Tony II von Asterick. Then, even though it was a perfectly clear sky without a cloud in sight, thunder rolled and lightning struck.
“We are Doomed, doomed!” Someone in the inn screamed in a thick Scottish accent, then ran out of the door before anyone could stop him. "Doooooomed!"
“Hey Rock, you haven’t paid the tab yet! Come back right now or I'll show you what doom really is!” Screamed the bartender while waving a empty bottle of hard liquor. The other patrons looked awkwardly around, some checking whether their drinks were actually what they had ordered and not cleaning agents or something along the line.
Darkness looked towards the door through which Rock had fled.
“Huh, I wonder what got him so riled up?”
*Scene Break*
Yunyun didn’t even have any time to consider dodging and she had no one to throw in front of her like Kazuma did. Not that she would have had the personality to throw someone to the dogs like that anyway. The beam of pink energy crossed the distance between Megumin’s staff and her target in no time and hit the female right into the chest.
Yunyun was forcefully pushed back a little by the spell. The different point of impact also caused her chest to jiggle as the magical energy seemed to flow around it up towards her head. Still, after a few seconds the pink force vanished as if absorbed by the girl. Then just as with Megumin, the glowing pink hearts appeared in her eyes. The archwizard took a deep breath, as if she had been holding it for a long time.
Then suddenly she smiled, her entire demeanor shifting as she started to positively glow with happiness.
“Oh, Megumin I knew you cared!” She said, hands folded together while looking at her friend with newfound adoration.
“Fufufufu…. Yunyun, my best friend. Did you forget that my limitless magical abilities are only matched by my equally limitless kindness towards my besty?” While Megumin said that, she twirled her staff in one hand and then made a pose not unlike a certain blonde woman from a 90s anime.
Kazuma simply stared flatly, feeling a headache coming. Well, she seemed okay at least, her Chuuni attitude hadn’t been compromised in the slightest by this charm spell.
Yunyun tried to keep the tears at bay, then rubbed her eyes for a moment.
“To have such a friend who will stand by my side at all times, by the the secret powers of the orb of friendship. Never again will we split, as proof we have both gained this new magic.” With these words, Yunyun grasped Megumin’s hands and pulled them close to her chest. “I shall do all that I can to make you happy!”
Megumin was meanwhile also nearly in tears from how much her friend’s words had moved her. The two girls were trying to do their best to outshine each other with their smiles. It was a beautiful sight to see, so pure and positive in this pointless world!
Meanwhile Kazuma was starting to have a strange premonition, a feeling that something bad was going to happen in a moment.
The wizard hat wearing girl looked up towards the daughter of the village chief. To think her friend wanted to make her happy, she even declared it so loudly. To make her happy, oh but the thing that would make her happy, it was clear as the sky being blue!
“Yunyun, if you want to make me happy there is only one thing you have to do.” Holding onto her friend’s hands, she moved closer and Kazuma felt a bit worried that something improper was going to happen in a moment. “We should use this new blessing to get you more friends! I want to see you happy, surrounded by people who enjoy your company and care for you as much as me.” Yunyun’s eyes widened at these words and she once again felt like crying.
“Tha.. thank you.. Megumin, you will forever be my best friend forever, even if the sky darkens and the stars fall down during Ragnarok.” She spoke with a deep sincerity.
Kazuma wasn’t sure what was more problematic, that these two Chuunis may actually bring about the friendocalypse, or that Wiz and Aqua were now standing beside them all teary-eyed while cheering them on!
“Ohh...ohh! I.. I will cheer you on…” Wiz said, a handkerchief in hand to keep any tears from getting too far.
Aqua acted similar, though in her case huge streams of water were spraying out of her eyes. Kazuma couldn’t help but wonder if this was a side-effect of her being a goddess, or if she had somehow learnt a skill for that. “I.. I am so… sorry! I didn’t think you were so serious about this.”
“Alright that is well enough, I am going to confiscate your staffs right now!” Deciding that he had once again become the only sane man in a land of madness, Kazuma chose to deal with the problems as always. Cheat like crazy! A magician without a staff was nothing but a peasant with funny clothes!
“I will just have to tie you up until this whole crazy nonsense runs out.”
Yunyun immediately started blushing brightly. “Kyahh!” She screamed with both hands on her face, causing Kazuma to pause. “He wants to tie us up!”
Megumin was similarly blushing and waving her staff wildly around. “Y..y..yo..you pervert! Don’t you do anything with Yunyun!” She said, something dangerous glinting in her eyes, aside from the pink hearts that is. “Take me instead!”
Kazuma twitched, then glanced at the door to make absolutely sure that Darkness hadn’t walked in just now and he had just mixed up her pitch of voice.
Nope, that had totally been Megumin.
“B..b..but Megumin, I kinda.. you know.. want to try that.” Said Yunyun while still blushing wildly and twirling her staff between her fingers.
“Then I should be the one to do it! Better that than letting this beast get his hands on you.” The archwizard declared loudly. “Who knows what sort of perverted and horrible things he would do to you. Strip you, tickle you, make you service him, make you call him master!”
“Hey, I wouldn’t constrain people’s freedom of speech!” The two girls turned towards him.
“Wait, that is what is bothering you?” Asked Aqua, looking just the slightest bit baffled.
“Amicitia!” Kazuma had just enough warning to throw himself down on the ground to dodge the sudden beam of pink doom that was shot at him. Megumin laughed loudly before grabbing onto Yunyun. “Hah! As if you could stop us, the greatest duo of the Crimson Demon Clan, bearing the magic of friendship that no one else possesses!” By the time Kazuma had gotten up, the two girls were already through the door.
“Remember this as the day that you almost caught the great archwizards, Megumin and Yunyun!” The wizard hat wearing Chuuni declared. Kazuma raced after them, still thinking that he would be able to catch up. They were magicians, so at least they shouldn’t have as much stamina as him… hopefully.
“I really still want to try that…” Mumbled Yunyun quietly while being pulled along by Megumin. “We can get him to do unspeakably perverted things to our young innocent bodies later, for now run!” Answered Megumin a moment later.
Kazuma felt a complaint forming in his mouth, but then saw a sword suddenly appearing in front of his face. The unlucky japanese boy was just a tad too slow and was hit right in the face.
“Ehhh I hit?” Kazuma felt his head vibrating like a church bell on sunday. Putting a hand to his forehead, he wondered why he was wet..
“Ahhhh! Aqua, come here and do something. I knocked out Kazuma and now he is bleeding all over the street…!”
There was a baffled sort of silence as the bluenette stepped out of the shop and took in the situation. “Wait, you hit him?” She asked and Darkness wailed in shame at that.
Lightning struck and thunder rolled in the distance.
Tue Nov 07 20:04:03 2017