Man, the first day of work was always awkward.
Of course, usually that came from the fact that one didn’t know shit, had a billion questions to ask and was usually just an extra-burden on the people who already worked there. However, right now, there was no work to apparently do, leading to most of this awkwardness arising from his new co-workers just staring silent at him.
Did he have something on his face or something?
Okay, backing up a bit, it should be say that Joshua Horner didn’t want to get a job upon graduating high school, fully intending on ‘playing it slow’ for a year before getting serious about the question of what he wanted to do with his life, but one family gathering at his mom’s house and suddenly his eccentric uncle Ujak had an idea. He owned ‘The Burger Shack’ by Lake Dissonant - you know, that dumb kiosk shaped like a burger with the chipping paint? - and he thought that ‘little Josh’ could learn a thing or two about the world by working actual job.
And his uncle had a ‘small position’ in his ‘organization’ that would fit ‘Little Joshua’ perfectly… The nerve of that guy!
Naturally he flipped through every excuse in the book in an attempt to back out of such a horrid plan. The summer season was over and it wouldn’t be busy anymore? Well, he just said that was a better time to train new staff! He didn’t know the first thing about burgers? So, now was the time to learn! He wasn’t a ‘team-player’? Neither was anyone else that worked there! He was… a vegetarian (It was worth a shot!)? His uncle Ujak simply replied that he was too and no one was perfect! (Though their mostly unsold stockpile of soy patties should be catching on any day now.)
So Joshua was now sitting on a rattly old plastic stool with far too many cracks for even him to put his full meager weight upon it, all the while staring back at these new co-workers of his that weren’t giving him a lick of training. The least he could do, he supposed, was to try to remember their names when they’d weakly greeted him.
Uh…. The gal with the bright orange hair, she was.. Tammy right? The girl was sexy-thick bordering on fat to his mind, and her sweet smile definitely showed her to be the friendliest of the bunch. But did he perhaps have a chance with her, maybe turning this crappy stint into a lucky stab with her ankles by her ears beside the obviously never-cleaned grease trap? Probably not considering that in this short span of about an hour, she’d mentioned her fiance a couple of times while gesturing to a tiny diamond ring.
Also there was the fact that she was a lesbian? That probably didn’t help either as it turned out that she had a fiancée and not a fiancé.
Still though, even off limits in the fuck-buddy department, she seemed a lot more approachable than these other two.
Daniel was it? Yeah, just a tall and lanky dude with a crew cut that would just blend in with the crowd unless he sneezed. Honestly, he already seemed like the quiet, introspective type, somehow even more quiet than his silently staring cohorts as he looked upon his cracked smartphone screen. But wait… Was he ghosting on Insta-thots in clear view? Damn, the guy was a horndog!
Or just deathly bored, he supposed.
Finally, leaning against the counter was Betty Bouppe, and, yes, it did sound like ‘Betty Boop’ which was easy to remember, but he wasn’t going to make even a whiff of that joke. This young woman looked… well, tough, tougher than Joshua was used to seeing with women, and it wasn’t just the clear biceps she had at her sleeve. She must have been some kind of Mediterranean with her sun-stained skin and wavy midnight hair, but she certainly couldn’t have been a recent immigrant because her voice sounded like she ate a pack of cigarettes every day. Low and husky with grating laugh, he wouldn’t quite say that she sounded like a man, but he could imagine no one would take her threats lightly with such a growl.
Then again, the woman was clearly was an aspiring body builder, so did she even have to speak to threaten anyone? The girl was cut!
Whelp, that took all of thirty-seconds to do.. How many hours left in his shift? Eight and a half centuries? Yeah that sounded about right.
However, another three seconds crawled by like a decade and he found himself just bubbling anxious from the stillness. He never was one to keep quiet in class, so why be anything else when working? With that thought running through his head though, what to say? There was suddenly a heavy burden on his shoulder to recite something clever or funny, but his sleep-depraved brain (reeeally shouldn’t have been sex roleplaying so late at night on Discord) couldn’t think of anything right now.
Best just to say the only thing on his mind at the moment.
“My uncle’s a dildo…” He grumbled out, fidgeting with the tip of a biodegradable straw still in its plastic-wrap packaging.
“Total dildo.” Daniel mumbled without looking up from his phone which appeared to have some metal-head girl with her big butt hanging over her black jeans.
“Dildosaurus.” Betty let out a wheezing chuckle with made her syllables crackle as she finally looked away from the ant marching across the register.
“Oh c’mon guys….” Tammy rolled her eyes and flicked her head left as her fat lips gave a cute pucker. “He’s not that bad. Except… you know….” There was some mumbling from the side of her mouth which sounded like a big asterisk but Betty started talking over it so Joshua didn’t hear it.
“So, that means you’re not going to be his little spy, huh?” She stood up with hands on her hips, probably not trying to look intimidating in that unflattering yellow shirt and brown apron combo they were all forced to wear, but he admitted to flinching a tad when she leaned over, and not just because she called him his least favourite ‘L-word’.
“Fuck no.” He tried to scoff off with a hand wave. “I hate that dude. I’m sure you know how weird he is.”
”Oh we know…” Daniel grumbled, standing up to stretch, commencing another agonizing period of silent awkwardness before he finally said something.
“So…” He joined in everyone raising to their feet, internally grumbling that he was the shortest of the four. “How do we do this job?”
”Oh. Well,” Tammy looked around to grab a spatula to look busy, “the first thing we do is turn on the grills and fryers as they take thirty minutes to get hot.”
“Then we ask if Danny here is still a virgin.” Betty snorted.
“I hate you… so much.” Daniel narrowed his eyes at Betty, but there was no way that this lanky dude was going to do a thing to her, so he just went back to looking at his phone.
“And then…” Tammy looked around her, to pick up a second spatula. “We scrap the build-up that we probably should have done last night, but.. you know… we were lazy.”
“And while Tammy’s doing that,” Betty pulled a glass-blown pipe of multi=colours from her apron, “me and Danny smoke some weed to make our day bearable.”
”And Theeeen” Tammy pointed out to the parking lot that stretched in front of them, only one or two chairs set up in front that on the little bit of wooden planks that was a pitiable patio. “We wait for any orders.”
“Meaning we commence our game of ‘Odd-Ball Bingo’.” As if reading Joshua’s thoughts, Daniel proceeded to explain what such a ‘fascinating’ concept exactly was. “We three have a sheet of paper under the counter with odd things that can be on randos. Bad wigs, strange pets, heavy-winter coat in summer etc. It’s stupid but-”
“Wait, that’s it?” Joshua blurted out, rubbing the back of his head. “I mean… You guys really don’t need me, eh?”
”Oh fuck no.” Betty cackled a guttural gargle. “Honestly, this really is a one-man operation even when it gets a smidgen busy in the summer.”
“Frankly?” Tammy sighed as she brushed away at the grill. “Pretty much we’re paid to protect this building from any kind of vandalism or some kind of crap like that.” She gave another sigh after wiping her brow. “So as long as we’re here, we get paid. Burger sales don’t really matter.”
“Really?” He looked around. “Why don’t you guys just bolt and take, like, hour-shifts so you don’t all have to sit here bored?”
”Because your freaking uncle sometimes comes around.” Daniel flicked a ice-cold fry still on the unwiped counter. “And sometimes he’s in disguise.”
”You’re shitting me.” Joshua only just started to gape when a ringing bell interrupted him.
“Helllllllll-o” A most flamboyant of greetings that Joshua only knew too well floated into the restaurant, and he did his darnedest to remain unseen by ducking into the very farthest corner in the burger to the left of the counter window.
“Oh!” Tammy busted out a professional-grade smile for this redheaded man in a blonde wig and a crookedly glued-on black moustache above his tuxedo t-shirt with a slight pot-belly sticking out. “Hello, Uncle Ujak.”
Joshua tugged at Daniel’s apron. “Wait, why is she calling him ‘Uncle Ujak’?”
“He makes us all call him ‘Uncle’.” Daniel sighed out under his breath.
“Jesus H….” He put a palm over his face before he noted that his uncle was completely leaning over the counter in search like a Bloodhound, nose trying to pick up on his hiding butt apparently
“I’m not Uncle Ujak, young lady!” He cleared his throat and put on a British accent worthy of Dick Van-Dyke. “I’m Barron U…Unkhor!”
”O-Oh of course, Mr. Barron Unkhor!” Tammy gritted her teeth, straining every polite bone in her body to keep herself respectable. “W-What can I get you?”
”Nothing for now, but you know, a little bird told me that you have a new member on your team! A new little man!” He again hoisted his rotund body on the counter to look around the innards of this big burger. “Can I meet him?”
“Yeah, he’s here.” Betty slapped her palm against the counter, a few chips of paint floating up. “But you juuuust missed him running to the crapper.” A most phony of loopy smile appeared on her face. “You know, that little Josh was so excited to start he just couldn’t hold it in anymore.”
”I’m only five-foot-six… Pretty normal in other countries…” Joshua mumbled out.
“Huh…” ‘Barron Unkhor’ finally pulled his snout back before leaning his elbow on the counter. “That seems to happen a lot when I come by- I-I mean when I’m generally looking for people, of course.” He cleared his throat. “Anyways, I hope this shack is ready today. There’s going to be quite the rush.”
”W-We’re always prepared, sir.” Tammy dabbed her forehead with a napkin as her straining smile was making her sweat. “I mean, it’s not like we get that many and-”
“But I’m serious today!” He belted out with all his heart. “They’re finally hosting the Disso-Fest after delaying so many times and this beach is going to be filled with a burger’s favourite customer - drunk young adults with money to spend!”
”Oh my fuuu~” Betty caught her tongue at the last minute at the realization her strangely cuss-averse boss was right in front of her. “~uuuun! So we’re going to have to… Uh… work today? W-Work hard I mean?”
“Of course!” He snapped his fingers and pointed to the three of them. “You know this is the day where most people call sick into work so they dress up and drink their butts off, so I can be glad that there’s a new member here to help you out doing… whatever you do back there to make your burger-magic!” He tapped the counter. “I’m sure today is going to be real special, you know?”
“Uh-huh..” Daniel mumbled without looking up from his screen. “You didn’t sabotage our kitchen again in the middle of the night to build ‘teamwork’, right?”
”I didn’t sabotage...” He paused and giggled a high pitched titter. “… the kitchen! Toodles~!”
Joshua counted to twenty in his head before finally standing up from his spot at the back to see his Uncle’s convertable speed recklessly out of the parking lot just in time for three large buses lumbered in with the sound of party bass going. Even from a distance, he could make out the people drinking vodka-spiked soda cans and girls and guys just dressed up in the sluttiest of costumes.
Not that Joshua would slut shame or anything, but he swore he’d seen his first nip-slip of the day and these people were only getting off the bus. Truly, Disso-Fest was here.
“Shiiiiiit.” Betty groaned. “He was fuckin’ right! It is Disso-Fest today! Fuckin’ hell! We’re actually going to have to work!”
“No wonder the dildo asked us all to come in today…” Daniel groaned as he finally looked up from his phone, only to just open mouth gape at some of the bustiest lasses run towards the lakeside with their full cleavage and bubble butts quaking. “I was hoping that it was just because… you know, like, we all had to meet the new staff member together or he finally noticed that we changed ‘Burger of the Day’ to ‘Burger of the Dildo’.”
“Classic.” Betty snickered but before she could give anyone high-fives, Tammy gave a yelp.
“Oh goodness! Uh guys?” Tammy scratched her head in front of the stainless steel mini-fridge. “The freezer is empty.”
”What!?” The remaining three said in harmony before rushing over to the open door that was packed with built-up ice and not much else.
“I guess we get the soy-burgers out finally?” Joshua shrugged, trying to be helpful with what little he knew. “My Uncle said-”
“They’re gone too.” Betty cut over him grumbling. “Damn, those were so refreshing to put down my bra in the summer… Probably for the best since Danny put them down his underwear.”
”You put them down in my underwear.” Daniel snapped over to her. “You did that”
“Oh crap-ola, guys!” Tammy pulled at her hair. “What are we going to do? Tell those drunks that we don’t have their greasy meat between buns to go with their fries? We’ll have a riot!”
”Well, I’m not calling ‘Uncle’ over here.” Daniel said as he used his phone for better purposes, mainly to take pictures of ladies in the bare minimum of a costume strutting by in black bikinis with witches hats.
Joshua was kind of wishing for the awkward silence to return when the ‘veterans’ of this burger were freaking out, having decided at that moment to pop out for some fresh, non-grease smelling, air to clear his mind when the back door smacked against something which was certainly not just any door stop. “Uh guys? Wanna check this out?”
“Whatcha got there, little Joshy?” Betty combined both of his least favourite nicknames, but he bit his tongue as he walked in with a big cardboard box dripping from the bottom and had it slam down on the counter with a wet splort.
Their four heads all gathered round to look down on the top of the packaging, their eyes narrowing at the name at the top.
“Big N’ Thicc Bun-Fillers?” Joshua finally read aloud what they’d all seen and looked to the others for a smidgen of guidance. “What?”
“No clue, Joshy!” Tammy only confirmed that this would be his name here from now on before ripping inside to see that it was stuffed to the brim with burger patties in the strangest of heptagonal shapes that seemed impossible, but here they were staring back. “But either way, I’d say this box saved our little butts!”
“Shouldn’t we be calling Uncle Ujak and asking about these?” Joshua found himself kicking himself for saying something so lame, but something about the sacrilegious shape and smell of these semi-thawed patties gave him a spine tingle. “Just.. you know, to be safe?”
”No way, man.” Daniel sighed out as he tossed the seven-sided patties as quickly as possible into the freezer like a poker-dealer. “I’ve already had my daily limit of him today, and it’s only the start of my shift. If you want to call him, be my guest.”
”Don’t sweat it, little guy.” Betty patted him seriously firm on the back, making him choke on his spit most embarrassingly. “Drunks are the least pickiest eaters on the planet as long as things are salty and bad for them, so we’ll do fine.” She trailed off. “But I just hope there aren’t too many of them so I can sneak out and drink on my shift…”
“So do I throw them out or on, Joshy?” Tammy shrugged with a spatula in hand, eyes staring at him.
”I guess….” He trailed off, looking at his phone. “I guess we’ll be fine.”
Of course, perhaps he would have sung a different tune if he’d checked out the ‘ingredients’ of these ‘Bun-Fillers’ as it was neither beef, chicken or even bison! It was….
Mon Nov 02 08:03:59 2020
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