Lizzie the Dragon-lady, her three companions, and the Luggage walked on down the Yellow Brick Road wondering where the Road was leading them and what they were going to find on their journey next. And there was something to be found. But they didn't find it, it found them.
A rag-tag band of midgets, clothed in ill-fitting and ridiculously colored prom tuxedos, came running up the Road toward them, waving their arms for them to stop. "Hey, doesn't that look like Bob?" Leo asked Comet, nodding at one of the fast approacing midgets. Comet shrugged, "Uh, sort of, if you shrunk his body down to a three-year-old's but left his head alone. Heh, he looks like a little baby doll."
"Fuck you Comet," Bob barked as he ran up to them, huffing and puffing. "And let me tell you something else, it doesn't matter whether you'se a horse or a lion, you'se still a fuckin ass." And then Bob held up his hand imperiously and the other midgets lined up behind him. "Awright folks," Bob then said, training his gaze first at Lizzie and then at the others, "let's get something straight here. Nobody but nobody heads off into a fuckin Wizard of Oz story without first getting by us. We are the Munchykins of Munchyville. And we are where the story of Oz begins. And we will not tolerate no one, and I mean no one, trying to screw us out of our contractually obligated share of episode on-time. And shit, man, it's not like we get a lot out here or like we're askin for some fifty fuckin episode non-stop marathon run or somethin. We just want our fair share. And we get to sing a song. You got me?"
Bob emphasized the last sentence by jabbing his stubby little finger at the group. That, along with his New York accent and obvious Mob connections (the second midget to the right was a dead-ringer for Al Capone), made sure that Lizzie and the others did indeed 'get' him.
"Okay," Lizzie said with a weak smile, "I don't think any of us have a problem with that. We're all for everyone getting their fair share. And everyone loves a musical. But listen Bob... it's Bob, right?" Bob nodded. "Listen Bob, this Scenario is actually a little bit different from the normal ones you're used to starring in. You see, we're on a mission straight from Lord Morpheus himself, and--"
"Who da fuck is that?" Bob asked.
"Oh, he's the Master of this island," Lizzie answered. "I thought that was God," Bob said. "You must mean Sawyer, although you didn't know Sawyer was his real name of course--" Lizzie tried to explain but was again cut off. "God's name is Sawyer? What da fuck kinda name is that for a God. Is God a fag?" Bob said. Lacy giggled and, hefting her double-Ds, commented, "Giving me tits like these, I don't think God is a fag." Leo turned to her though and said, "Yeah, but God didn't give you those tits. Those two demon guys did." Then Bob turned to Leo, "Demon guys? I thought God didn't do no business with demons." It was Comet's turn to butt in and he answered, "Not God maybe, but Lord Albino sure does."
"Who da fuck is Lord Albino?" Bob shot back.
"That would be Lord Morpheus," Lizzie cut back in, "The real Master of the island. You see God wasn't really God but was actually a psychotic demi-Avatar named Sawyer. And no, he's not gay. At least, I don't think he is. But anyway, God - I mean Sawyer - took control of the Island without the real God's - I mean Morpheus' - permission. Sawyer kind of temporarily stole it and now Morpheus is back and he wants everything put back to the way it's supposed to be. Make sense?"
Bob thought about it for a moment, shrugged his shoulders and said, "Yeah. It makes sense. If you believe in God. Me, I'm agnostic. So what the fuck."
"Oh, well, uh, that's great," Lizzie mumbled, a little confused. And then, "But here's the deal. We, your friends and I, have to find all of the Characters that Sawyer tampered with and bring them back to Morpheus. And you are one of those Characters. So guess what, you're going to get a lot more episode on-time than you thought. Doesn't that sound great?"
"Me?" Bob said, taken aback. "More on-time? Fuckin-A does that sound great! What do I get to do?"
At this point everyone just kind of mulled around for a bit without saying anything. And then Lizzie answered, "I guess it's up to the story. All we know for sure is that we're following this Yellow Brick Road and we hope that it will lead us to the Wizard who we think can help us figure some of this out."
"Ooh, the Wizard," Bob commented. "I haven't seen him since the Harry Pottie and the Chamber of Lingerie scenario." Leo laughed at that, "Yeah, that was a good one. You know, our biggest problem in this story is going to be the Wicked Witch. I wonder who got that role this time around." Bob answered, "Skanky Vagina." Leo seemed surprised, "Skanky? I figured it would have been Lady Titty Wang. She's a much better dramatic actress." Lacy added, "True. She always gave that extra oomph when playing bad guys. The last time I played with her was when we did the Snow White, Red Panties storyline."
"Hey," Bob smiled, "guess who's playin the dead witch, the one Dorothy's house fell on top of." Leo shrugged, "I don't know, who?"
"Martha Kay," Bob answered with a little chuckle.
The others were flabbergasted to hear this. "But I thought God had fragged her after the debacle of the Midsummer Night's Sweaty Dream show," Comet said. Bob nodded, "He did. Why do think she got this job?" And then they all began to chuckle.
And then Lizzie exclaimed, "Oh my god! We have to go get her!"
Everyone looked at her like she was nuts. "What?!" Bob barked. "Lug around a fucking dead corpse? Now normally I wouldn't have no problem with that, but I don't see my custom sedan parked nowhere near here and without a trunk how are gonna carry the body?"
"Don't you understand?!" Lizzie cried, "Morpheus commanded us to find all of the Characters that Sawyer had messed with and all of the one's that he'd killed. Now I really don't know how this whole twisting, shifting Scenario thing works or how we're supposed to accomplish what Morpheus wants, but I do know this - if Martha Kay is dead, we can't just leave her here!"
"Oh this has gone on long enough!" I.B.Damned shouted, staring at the scene of Lizzie and the others playing out on his TV set. "I want some action, I want some danger, I want some fucking SEX!"
Go back - Go to the parent episode.
Thu Oct 16 17:14:34 2003