At this point, Jim was suddenly aware someone was talking in the doorway.
"Yup, he's up. And your cousin Gilfoy is up too Sharon." Said the shabby interloper on the remote phone. Jim recognised him at once.
"DUTCH! What the HELL are you doing here?" Jim shouted, getting out of bed. Dutch Kramden was his cousin- the sort that was useful to have around, but never was around when you REALLY needed them.
Dutch shrugged, "I'm on the phone - talking to Sharon." Jim grabbed the phone from Dutch.
"Gimme that! Hey hon..." Jim said before he was interupted.
"HEY! HELLO! Arch-enemy with a spork here!" Gilfoy shouted, staggering up, and staring at Dutch, "Hey- you need an ARCH ENEMY?"
"Hm - got a couple already, thanks," Dutch said, pulling something out of his pocket, "Hey - you need a twinkie?" Gilfoy's eyes lit up and he snatched the snack cake from Dutch's hand, unwrapping it in the corner of the room and staying quiet enough for Jim to talk to Sharon. It was all coming back to him through a foggy haze.
"Hey hon - this isn't working out," Jim said, "I mean, yeah, Gilfoy might be your third cousin..."
"Twice removed," Sharon reminded him. Jim rubbed his temples, feeling a hangover coming on strong.
"Whatever- Remind me, WHY is he spending the night with me, instead of you?" Jim said.
"Oh, you know my parents." Sharon said dismissivly, "They want to keep us apart before our wedding." That struck Jim like a load of bricks. The BE gun, the rampant sex, the wild fun life and crazy adventures...
Sharon's father... the ex Green Baret finding what they were up to together. If they lived in Texas, Jim was reasonably sure he would have been strung up that night, considering all the whipped cream and chocolate he and Sharon had been wearing when her father found them in the hot tub...
Instead, the next day, after Jim had politely refused his demand that he marry his little girl, Jim found a note taped to his car telling him that the wedding would be in a week - or else.
His car - or what he was pretty sure had been his car - had been run over with a tank. Twice. Then set on fire. He wasn't sure WHEN the bullet holes were added, but he got the message.
He and Sharon were going to get married at the end of the week.
Or ELSE.
"Besides, there's not room over here for someone as active and gifted as Gilfoy. So don't be late! The entire family will be there to meet you!" Sharon said brightly, rattling on as Jim reflected on his impending doom, "Oh, and don't forget Gilfoy - Aunt Petunia wants to see him!" With that, Sharon hung up. Jim looked at Dutch at a loss.
"What's going on?" Jim asked.
"You're getting married to Sharon." Dutch said shrugging.
"I KNOW THAT! What aren't we supposed to be late for!?!" Jim wanted to know.
"Oh. Breakfast buffet at the Roadkill Revue," Dutch said shrugging. Jim groaned at that thought - Dutch was the only living person he knew who ate at that truck stop, and the stories he told were gruesome. Dutch saw Jim's concern, "Hey, look- in the morning, the grease is fresh." That didn't help.
"Well, lets go - Gilfoy?" Jim looked around, and saw Gilfoy was back in bed. Deciding to risk another spork attack, Jim shook him, "Hey Gilfoy! Your Aunt Petunia wants to see you!" Gilfoy shrugged Jim off.
"Forget it- I just gave him a twinkie filled with tranqulizers." Dutch said.
"You WHAT?" Jim shouted.
"Well, hey - I saw him make his exit there," Dutch shrugged towards the window Gilfoy had jumped out of, "I thought he needed to - you know - chill out."
"I don't believe this!" Jim shouted, "You drugged Sharon's third cousin..."
"Twice removed."
"Yeah - and we have to take him along with us to breakfast with the rest of Sharon's family?" Jim shouted.
"Ah, the smell of the coffee will get him up." Dutch said, pulling the sheets off, "Now - you grab his head, and I'll take the feet."
"What?"
"Okay- I'll take the feet and you take the head." Dutch said. Jim sighed, and lifted Gilfoy up, and they carried Gilfoy out to the schoolbus Dutch drove for a living.
"There ya go - works like a charm." Dutch said as they laid Gilfoy down on a mat in the center of the bus, "Have to do that once in a while with the problem kids."
"Oh - the ones who did that?" Jim asked pointing to the bullet holes in the front of the bus over the driver's seat.
"Yeah." Dutch said, firing up the rusting old heap of a schoolbus. Since Jim's car was flattened, he had to catch a ride with Dutch everywhere. Soon the inside of the bus was filled with a blue haze of smog from the engine.
It couldn't possibly get worse than THIS Jim reflected.
But it was. At the Roadkill Revue, Jim found himself sitting next to the worst person he could possibly sit next to...
Thu Aug 26 17:20:31 2004