The silver dollar flipped through the air, the afternoon sun glinting off of it like fire. And then Two-Face snatched it with one hand and slapped it down onto the back of his other hand. Slowly, almost furtively, he glanced down at it. One side of the coin was smooth and unmarked. The other side of the coin was scratched with a ragged X. Heads and tails. Yes and no. Good and evil. That was what the coin signified. And Two-Face never made a major decision without first consulting the coin.
He had come here to Tubacs for one purpose: to capture Wonder Woman. He had sent his giant robotic Olsen Twins against her to soften her up. But now it was time for him to make his final move, now was the time for him to launch his decisive assault. If he failed, it wouldn't go well for him. If he succeeded, there was so very much to gain. The risk was great either way. So now it was time to ask the coin what he should do.
He looked at it and saw which choice fate had dictated for him. With a short, brisk laugh he pocketed his coin and then he looked down at Wonder Woman and waved at her. She gazed back uncertainly. She knew about his coin mania. Everyone did. What she didn't know was what the coin had told him.
"ATTACK!" Two-Face suddenly yelled.
Diana was almost unprepared for the violence that suddenly exploded all around her. Goon squads appeared from everywhere - Two-Face's Bookend Boys. Armed with dildo-lazers and scrotum-grenades, repelling off tall buildings, pouring out of sewer holes, they came on like a wave of unstoppable army ants. Vicious Sweet&Sour Girls began dragging hapless passersby into doorways and dark alleys, each victim soon crying out in screams of bloodcurdling ecstasy. Packs of two-headed beast hounds came pounding down the streets, howling for fresh young pussy. And the Olsen robots got back up onto their pneumatic feet and jumped back into the fray too.
The citizens of Tubacs ran and screamed and fled in a blind panic. Wonder Woman's comrades faired little better.
D.J. held fast by Wonder Woman's side, fighting as best she could against Two-Face's forces. But without her full Avatorial powers and with her body starving for Orgone, there wasn't much she could do. Dabbler on the other hand ran for cover, Sindy scrambling to keep up with her. Dabbler wasn't that concerned with helping Wonder Woman, Diana had already shown that she was more than capable of defending herself. But Dabbler was very worried about JigSaw. Where was he and why had he disappeared? Rincewind was neither so brave nor so quick-footed as either of his companions. But this actually worked to his benefit. At the outset of the attack he was so overcome by fright that he suddenly changed into his female self again. And as a woman Rincewind was far less prone to succumbing to sheer terror and far more capable of fighting back. Hex-bolts and magical incantations flew from the frantic emigrant from Discworld and she actually managed to do some good. Unfortunately, she was far too inexperienced and was so grossly outnumbered that she couldn't keep it up for very long. When her back was turned a gang of goons jumped her from behind and quickly pinned her hands back and gagged her mouth.
By this time one of the Olsen Twin robots was out for the count and the Bookend Boys lay in unmoving heaps all over the street. But Two-Face had one more trick up his sleeve, one that he was sure would humble Wonder Woman to her core.
Just as Two-Face had two faces, so did everybody else. His just happened to be pretty damn obvious. But with a fun, new trinket he had cooked up (with a little help from the Mirror Master), he could bring out that other face in anybody and make it real. Reaching into his jacket he pulled out his U-Splitter Mk.1 PsychoBlaster™. It was a big, honking ass, neon glowing, super raygun that made the BE Gun look like a limp pixie stick. He swung it in Wonder Woman's direction and fired.
Caught by a direct hit, Diana was blinded for a split second and when she could see again she found herself staring at an almost exact copy of her standing right in front of her. This second Wonder Woman was just as tall, just as curvaceous, just as athletically dynamic. But her awesome beauty was deformed by purplish scars that ran all over her body from her tiara down to her boots.
"Time for you to go down, Wonder Woman," Wonder Bitch sneered. And a vicious right hook sent Diana smashing into the wall behind her.
D.J. screamed and got caught by an overpowered undercut. Wonder Bitch laughed as D.J. crumpled to the ground. But her laughter was short-lived, for Wonder Woman came flying into her, fists a-swinging. Two-Face watched with pleasure as Wonder Woman and her evil twin exchanged blow after blow after blow. In fact, it was so much fun to watch that he pulled out his pecker and started jacking off at the spectacle.
Wonder Woman obviously was not having as fun a time. But if there's one thing you should know by now its that Wonder Woman doesn't give up easily, and if there is a way to win she'll find it.
And that's just what she did. And even as equally matched as Wonder Bitch was, the evil mirror-image, after a titanic battle that pushed each one of the Awesome Amazons to the brink of total exhaustion, was sent slamming into the ground, broken and defeated, where it promptly melted into formless goo.
Wiping the blood from her eyes and trying to catch her breath, Diana was caught completely by surprise when Two-Face suddenly appeared in front of her. Without even thinking about it she raised up her arms and set herself in a defensive battle-stance. If Two-Face wanted to engage in hand-to-hand combat she was more than ready to beat the crap out of him.
But then Two-Face did something completely unexpected. Instead of pulling out another weapon or attacking her with his bare hands, he slapped a pair of cuffs on her before she even had a chance to react. And then Two-Face kicked her in the groin and kneed her in the face. With a whimper, Diana slumped onto the ground.
"Every hero has a weakness," Two-Face gloated. "Superman has kryptonite, Green Lantern has the color yellow, and you have a little thing with bondage. The moment a man ties you up or binds you in any way, you lose all of your super-powers and become just another weak, pathetic woman." Leaning down, Two-Face whispered lovingly into Diana's ear, "You are going to suck my dick until you choke, and then I'm taking you back to Villana. There are a lot of questions that I think you have the answers to. And after that, well, I'm sure there are some people I know who would just love to party with you."
And then he straightened himself up and unzipped his fly.
And that's when a small glass bottle came flying through the air, thrown by some unseen hand but aimed directly at the smugly wicked Two-Face. With a small tinkle it smashed itself open as it hit him squarely on the chest.
MEANWHILE...
In the shattered remains of the Doppler Club, Prospero and his partners were frantically trying to dodge falling debris as they scrambled to gather up their scattered belongings. Their packs were ripped open, their equipment strewn all over the floor. The fighting outside had taken quite a toll on the club and everything in it.
Suddenly Prospero gave out a pitiful yelp. Knuckles the Troll and Becky Talluto whipped their heads round to stare at him. "The lustfire!" Prospero wailed, "Our bottle of lustfire! It's missing!"
Go back - Go to the parent episode.
Sat Mar 05 09:42:46 2005