The worst part of being dead was not being alive. It had happened so suddenly, and for no reason at all. Neither Jim nor any of the other dead people in the Fedex office were at all happy about it.
While not the worst part about being dead, being dead and having a boner at the same time was pretty bad too. It didn't seem to be going away, and he couldn't do anything about it.
Jim was beginning to worry that he was going to be buried with a raging stiffie, when a curvy woman in a hooded black cloak walked through the door. Literally through it, like it wasn't even there. Even though the cloak was pretty shapeless, she was obviously a right curvaceous lady. Unfortunately, she was also carrying a scythe taller than she was, so Jim had a pretty good idea what was about to happen.
Sure enough, the lady with the scythe tapped each of the Fedex girls with it. When she did, each girl in turn floated out of her dead body.
"We're dead?"
"Aw, man! This sucks!"
"You think it sucks? I was about to have an orgasm for the first time in my life! I want a do-over!"
The naked ghost of one of the three girls punctuated her demands by poking death right in the boob.
"Sorry, missie. No backsies. I don't make the rules, and I don't get to break 'em either."
"Didn't you hear me? I never had an orgasm! Doesn't that make me, like, a technical virgin?" She gave Death a shove.
Death shoved the ghost right back. "Look, life's not fair. I'm not fair either. I don't have to take your shit, or listen to your complaints, or beat you at backgammon. I don't have to give you a pat on the back and a handjob. I come here to let your dead-ass soul out of your dead-ass body so you can move on to the afterlife instead of hanging around while some jackoff at the morgue plays around with your corpse and then stuffs you in a box."
"Wait, you mean that actually happens?" One of the other girls asked. "Morticians do... things to us when we're dead?"
"Well... it's not because he's a mortician. It's more because he's Chad. That guy is definitely going to Hell. This is just not a good town to be a corpse in. Anyhow, it's not going to be your problem. You get to shuffle off to wherever you go next, which is right through that door."
"Right through that door is that mutated giant poison monkey."
"It's a conceptual thing. The door is a transition to the next place, whatever that may happen to be. It looks like it goes outside, but you'll really be moving on. Got it?"
The three girls nodded, even the technical virgin. Without pressing the matter any further, they floated through the door and vanished.
Only after they were gone did Death turn to Jim's dead body and give him a tap with the scythe. As his spirit floated free of his body, he gave his ghostly arms a stretch. "Couldn't we have done this sooner? I mean, I've got some issues with this whole thing, but not any more or less than those three hotties."
"Yeah... no. I didn't want to explain this part to them."
Death pulled down her hood, revealing a baby-faced 40 year old.
"Mom?!"
Thu Nov 07 09:03:09 2019
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