(What follows is an idea I've kicked around for something of the "R-rated but steamy" variety.)
Phineas Clingenpeel always felt exasperated by his father, and now was no exception. At age twelve Phineas felt mature, not by parental guidance but by basic necessity; it seemed that between himself and his loser father he was the one who was better at acting like the grownup. Now his dad was sitting him down to some "special talk," and he was dreading it -- not the information that was coming, but the bullshit it was bound to be couched in.
"Phineas, sit down," said his dad. Phineas had a cramped bedroom in a cramped trailer in an expansive trailer park, so he sat on the bed while his dad awkwardly brought a chair to the threshold. "Phineas, I have to tell you about our special legacy."
Phineas dared hope. "Are we rich?"
"No such luck, son. I just need you to know something, since you're ... growing up and all. Okay, it's like this -- our name isn't Clingenpeel."
Thank God, Phineas thought but didn't say. Surely just about anything had to be better than Clingenpeel. "So why IS it Clingenpeel?"
"That was the maiden name of your grandmother -- my mother. Chloe Clingenpeel. I took it because ... " He sort of trailed off, then got lost in a reverie.
"Because?" Phineas prompted.
"Sorry. Our real name is Foote. I was born Philo Foote, and you would have been Phineas Foote." Philo looked triumphant. "NOW you understand."
"Sorry, no, I don't."
"Have you been living under a rock, boy!? Foote! FOOTE!" Philo controlled himself. "It's only THE greatest name in adult entertainment! You can't be a twelve-year-old boy in America and not KNOW!"
Phineas chewed on his lip, sensing that a beating might be coming. "Dad, I'm sorry. I don't know."
"Your grandfather, my father, was Felix Foote. Here."
Phineas was startled as his father grabbed a sack from behind him and dumped endless DVDs on the bed.
"A lot of these go back to video, many of them even go back to FILM ... but these are all the adult movies that starred Felix Foote! Phin ... your grandfather was the ultimate porn stud of all time. The man nailed over ten thousand women. Ten thousand! Some of them paid him thousands of dollars for the privilege."
Phineas was worried. "Did he catch anything?"
"Never mind that!" Philo snapped angrily. "The point here, boy ... is that we are royal blood."
"We are?"
"Yes. And I always want you to remember that, when you're with a girl."
"But, Dad, if we're royal blood ... why did you go and change our name?"
It was, of course, a fair question -- and of course, as usual, Philo Clingenpeel had to go all red in the face over it. "Because I DID, okay!?" He calmed down. "I'm sorry. Look, at one time, I tried to ... cash in ... on being the son of Felix Foote, but the hell of it is, that we have been ... genetically shortchanged." It was such a weird phrase that Phineas understood automatically that he ought not to press the subject. "So ... I sort of had to ... go into hiding." He patted the DVDs. "But these are your heritage."
That was seven years ago, and Phineas Clingenpeel dutifully held onto his "heritage," if only for their entertainment value. His life, however, continued to be unspeakably dreary.
Sat May 05 05:01:49 2007