Altered Histories 1/2: Not all from Tokyo, but other affected series.

Unending BE - episode 758709

It was such a picturesque view from the bridge. Why hadn't he noticed it before today? The way the evening light sort of shimmered and sparkled off the water, the gentle sway of the grass in the breeze, life itself sung in chorus with the tune in his own heart. He sighed a heavy sigh, thinking of his girlfriend - one of the few B-Girls in the area - and the rather... strenuous activity they'd just taken place in. Nothing could ruin his mood now. He was floating in the clouds, at one with nature and for the first time in his life utterly content. He was a pillar of immovable happiness against which the universe could assail to no avail. Not one inch, not one chip in his armour would it make, no matter how much it-

"Wait! Wait! Don't do it!screeched an unwelcome intrusion. "Don't do anything foolish!"

He half turned to see a small bundle of - the word he wanted to use was annoyance - heading up into his chest with the speed of a bullet, just seconds before it collided with his chest and pushed him off the bridge. Damn good thing he was such a good swimmer!

"I was too late!" the stupid, ugly little monk said as he peered over the bridge.

"What the hell did you do that for?!" he yelled back at the pest as he kicked off the side of the bridge and backstroked back towards the shore. The monk was waiting for him on the shore, and sat by as he drained his clothes of the cold (oh so damn cold) water.

"Come now, I could see it in your aura. You were about to jump! I could see the shadow of death on your back!"

"So you knocked me off the bridge? Geeze!" He turned around, his mood ruined, and made an attempt to put this little pest behind him in both a metaphorical and a literal sense.

"Not that way! Something evil will happen to you!"

He rolled his eyes. "That way leads home, dumbass!"

"Your... your face! It's horrible!"

"That's not what my girlfriend thinks!"

Honestly, some people just didnt know when to... hey, wait a minute. He didn't remember this many black cars being parked outside his house this morning. And what was with all the guys in suits wearing sunglasses? It wasn't that bright out today, and there was something about the suits that made him a little bit... nervous. He approached the front door, as one of the guards pullled out a photograph and stared at it before nodding as if to say "you're allowed into your own house".

What, did his place get turned into an exclusive nightclub at some point during the day? No, wait, those were more like... government types...

"I'm home!" he yelled. "Hey, what's with all the suits standing outside? What's... going... on...?"

It was all he could do to stare at the pudgy man in the tiger print pajamas sitting in the living room and gulping down a bottle of wine. There was something strange about this large and unfamiliar figure that made him feel a little bit nervous, what could it be, oh yes, the fang underbite and the horns on his head! What made it somehow even more terrifying was the friendly nature of his smile, like he'd just seen dessert wheeled in by a gourmet chef. A quick dash off to the kitchen later - faster than a typical human had any right to move but he was the son of a B-Girl, so such athletic feats could be expected - and he was pelting rice at the Oni that had invaded his poor house.

"Easy! Hey! Quit that!" the Oni said. "I'm not that kind! I'm an alien!"

"An... alien," he said. What. What the hell was this he didn't even know what the hell.

"Yeah! We came here because...To be honest, we were planning to invade and take over your puny little planet, but then we got to talkin' with your governments."

"Uh huh..." flashes of a certain Twilight Zone episode flew past his mind. It's a cookbook! He didn't want to get ate!

"Normally, what we'd do is... well, we'd give you guys a sporting chance, you see? We'd randomly pick a guy from your planet, he'd play a game of tag with our representative, and if you won you got your planet to yourselves to wreck however you wanted. Sort of make a sport out of it, helps along the invasion a bit without any unnecessary bloodshed."

"But... not this time?"

"Nah! Turns out there are other... aliens involved on this planet right now, and between you and me, we don't wanna piss them off. Instead, we figure we'd sort of have an... agreement."

One of the suits stepped into the room, and handed him a folder. "What's this?" the boy asked.

"Paperwork for, ahem, marriage," the suit explained. "The engagement is to last around two to three years. If this marriage works out, then it would be the first step towards a lasting friendship between the Onis and humankind. If it fails, then-"

"It won't fail," the Oni said with a shake of his head. "Our computers calculate a ninety percent chance of happiness for all involved! The arrangement is mutually beneficial, and - hold on, I should introduce you to your bride before we go any further."

His mind was reeling. Not half an hour ago, he was engaged in the beast with two backs with his gorgeous, slightly possessively jealous girlfriend and now - now he was gonna get shoved into a marriage with an Oni? Judging from this guy, his kind wasn't exactly all that... attractive. But right now, he was stuck between a couple of serious looking government types and a guy that looked like he could eat him whole. His life had gone from heaven to hell in half an hour, and he was already desperately thinking up escape plans. Maybe if he ran out that door, yeah, the one which the long and luscious leg was sticking out of and oh my who was that? A girl stood in the doorway wearing just a tiger print bikini and not a stitch else. Her figure wasn't of the standard of a B-Girl, but... by anyone's reckoning she was still hot enough to burn yourself on. It was more of a cute kind of sexy, rather than the full and voluptuously irresistable figure of the B-Girl. Everything about her seemed to be designed to be adorable, from the way she stood there in the doorframe, to the boots, all the way up to the horns atop her head.

Wait a minute. Horns?

"I'm Lum," she said. "And you must be-"

"Ataru Moroboshi," he said, trying not to stare. Oh, but his life was about to get interesting.

Meanwhile, at a place much closer to Osaka than Tokyo, there was a B-Girl who was also engaged in communication with an otherworldly presence. Good. The Oni were not taking any overtly foolish measures once it had been expressed to them that the Data Integration Thought Entity had their own interest in the planet. Their actions would be monitored, of course. They would expect nothing less. No doubt they were also interested in this planet for some reason, but it seemed unlikely that their goals were at direct odds with each other. Whatever else could be said about them, the Oni were more... friendly and playful than outright aggressive. They conquered worlds in the same manner as a ch1ld conquered a playground, through either bullying and intimidation or by making sure everybody was having too much fun to notice any different. The world's governments were doing a finer job of covering this up than they ought to have, in part thanks to assistance from the DITE and from the Oni. Given the playful nature of the species, additional method would have to be initiated as well... perhaps a memory blanket cast over the area, to prohibit people communicating the fact on a global scale. The last thing they needed was for Haruhi to know that aliens existed. Who knows how she might react to that?

Instead of considering likely outcomes any further - until more data is gathered at least - Yuki decided to reflect on events at the school she had infiltrated. The likeliest course of events was that tomorrow, Haruhi would appear at the literary club... but her activities from there were unpredictable, as always. Whatever happened, she would have to act carefully.

But for now, she stared impassively at her naked body in the mirror. She knew more or less why she'd been given this body type, but it appeared as though they had vastly underestimated how powerful its urges were. This form was needed to attract the attention of Haruhi, and thus allow her to get closer as a "friend", since she was also like this. For a time, it had been assumed that she might have been responsible for this form being present in the human race, but... apparently not. How curious. Perhaps they should also investigate this phenomenon, and-

She dropped to her knees involuntarily as her hand cupped her breast. It seemed as though no amount of what humans called "determination" or "willpower" could prevent her from reacting in this way. She needed more data, although by now, a part of her felt that the last few years had given her ample opportunity to learn everything there was to know about self-pleasure.

To put it in simple terms, he was... God. There really was no other way to express it. No mere mortal could be so proficient in a task, no mere man could do as he did.

"Who... who are you?" his target said. But it was useless for her to resist. He could already see the ending. Fate is one way and iresistable once in motion, and he could already hear her say those words...

"I... I love you!" she said, not even half an hour later. Easy. He was a God of love, and none could resist him. With this, she shall be his 1000th game heroine! No game could beat him! No game stood before him that he could not clear!

"Is the game fun, Keima Katsuragi?" said a voice that seemed ever so slightly ticked off. "Is it more fun than this lesson?"

"... I can think of 5012 games that are more fun, 15 that are just as fun, and one that is more boring."

He didn't quite understand why she was so angry at him, or why those other students would later take the time to beat him up. He wasn't bothering anyone if he just played a game, right? Well, his mood wasn't improved in the slightest when Takahara from Class B (appropriate, given that she was one of those B-Girls) just left him with all the cleaning duties for the day. Stupid real girls, so unreasonable and forceful! Especially those pesky B-Girls, who flaunted what they had and expected the world to turn on their command! Not like the girls of the second dimension, who lived in games and existed in a state of perfection and grace. Real women of the world were just trash, and nothing more!

Heh. He had over eight hundred emails praising him for his talents. It was nothing for a capturing God like himself, though... Hold on, this one email seemed rather strange. Almost like it was provoking him, challenging his might and prowess! How dare this person! He tapped reply without thinking any further on the matter, certain that whatever game was troubling this cheeky emailer, he'd have it beaten in no time at all!

The sudden tornado was a little surprising, he had to admit. Or perhaps vortex would be a better word to use in this context? The equally sudden appearance of a girl that he might think of as "adorable" if not for that accursed third dimension, suddenly and quite without warning lifting him up and carrying him off to a classroom was... off putting. A bit of a shock to the system.

"Um.." the strange girl said. "First I raise the accuracy to pinpoint the individual... then I..."

"Actually," Keima interrupted. "First, you tell me who you are."

"Oh! I'm sorry! I'm Elsea Delto Ima, but everyone calls me Elsea. I'm a demon from hell, part of a special squad dispatched by Hild herself to collect escaped souls!"

"... Excuse me, I think I should try and avoid you as much as possible."

"You can't! If you go against the contract, your head will be taken!"

He felt for his throat, much as anyone would have instinctively upon hearing words like that, and felt a collar that had not been there before. "What... what is this?!"

"Demonic contracts are... rather a serious matter. If you go against it, then... oh, I can't say it! It's too horrible!"

"Take it off! Come on! Surely you can take it off!"

"It'll come off when the contract is fulfilled! Just... help me and it'll come off by itself."

"So-So what do I have to do, exactly?"

"Help me capture spirits!" the perky little demon said, as if it was all perfectly sensible and they were talking about the weather rather than his head being cut off by a malevolant collar!

"And how do I do that?"

"Oh, that's simple. The escaped spirits are hiding in the hearts of young maidens. All you have to do is capture their heart, the spirit will leave and I can deal with it from there!"

This was... insanity! She wanted him to capture the hearts of real girls?! Didn't she realise that this was the third most densely populated B-Girl neighborhood in the world?! Those girls, they would crush him like an ant! He may be a God of Gaming, but to capture the real... impossible!

Go back - Go to the parent episode.

Lumitiel(For those that don't know, that's Urusei Yatsura, Haruhi Suzumiya and World God Only Knows)

Sat Nov 13 17:23:09 2010

Edit Tags