Joanna frowned as she entered the vast paneled office. "You're not Mayor McManus," she noted.
"Indeed not," answered a tall smug young man sitting back in the huge leather swivel chair, his feet up on the wide desk. "I am the Acting Mayor. I take over mayoral responsibilities at Janice's discretion -- her whim, really." He chuckled. "Janice ... you know, we have a reporter named Janice, a Janice Grigsby. Perhaps we can start assigning women new names to keep them distinct."
Joanna knew Janice Grigsby vaguely. "What do you mean ... you have her?"
"Oh ... you'll find out. But to start this officially." He held out his hand. "Stafford Stanwood, Chief of Staff to Mayor Janice McManus and now Acting Mayor. Pleased to meet you. Everyone calls me Staff."
Joanna gingerly shook his hand. "Joanna Ebert, the press ... So what's detaining Mayor McManus?"
"It's a little embarrassing to say. I told her this was a basic responsibility but she insisted she really wasn't in the mood, and couldn't I do it? So I let her have her way -- this time."
"Mr. Stanwood -- "
"Staff."
"Mr. Stanwood -- wait a minute. Stanwood? As in the Brooks-Stanwood Home?"
"I'm a member of the family that owns it, yes."
"Mr. Stanwood, I really have to insist on seeing Janice ... ah, McManus. I have questions about that speech she gave -- and I have even more questions if you're going to be the one in charge whenever she simply isn't in the mood. Do you have any experience running a city?"
"Not at all," Staff said happily, almost proudly. He patted a computer monitor on a table behind him. "This guy right here will help out."
"So you're saying that ... the Acting Acting Mayor ... is a machine!?"
"There's always been machine politics, right?" Staff laughed heartily at his own joke. "This here is my link to the Cerebral Analog Electronic System for Absolute Regulation, or CAESAR for short. The beauty of a town like this is that it's doing reasonably well, it's almost running itself. Between the efficiency of this town and the genius of CAESAR, we should be able to handle all municipal affairs adequately."
Joanna was amazed. "But ... no one elected CAESAR!"
"Yeah, well, no one elected me, but tough titty."
"Look, I really have to talk to Ms. McManus. She can't be serious about everything she said. I mean ... repealing the 19th Amendment!"
"I think you will find that her new views are way more extreme than just that." Staff's smug joviality was inspiring Joanna to seriously consider punching him. "Tell you what ... " He tapped an intercom. "Janice! Get your ass in here NOW!"
A section of wall suddenly flung open and the (once) Honorable Janice McManus gleefully rushed in. Joanna looked on in horror. If she had looked a bit like a hussy at her press conference, she had since devolved into the most blatant of sluts. Her breasts were naked, hoisted up by a black corset, and she wore a garter and fishnet stockings but no panties. Joanna had to marvel at how easily she could get around on such towering stiletto heels.
"Oh, my darling, I've been so impatient!" Mayor McManus swiftly slipped into Staff's lap, savagely kissing him with a lot of tongue, before she noticed Joanna and pouted a little. "Aw, Staff, are you still doing this silly boring interview thingy?"
He chuckled indulgently. "I'm afraid so, my pet. Ms. Ebert here insisted that there are just a couple of questions which only you can answer. "Ms. Ebert?"
"Yes, uh ... " Joanna forced herself to quit feeling disoriented. "When did you begin to change your opinion of the 19th Amendment?"
"Oh, that's easy! It was the first time Staff fucked me."
Joanna cleared her throat, wondering like hell when all this weirdness would ever abate. "And ... when was that?"
"Yesterday, my darling? ... Yes. It was yesterday. Staff just fucked the shit out of me. This man is hung like a fucking bull elephant!"
"So ... you had been dating?" Joanna pressed.
"Oh, no, Staff just grabbed me and got me alone in a room and ripped all my clothes off and fucked my brains out -- oh my God, it was so hot!"
"Janice was touring the Brooks-Stanwood Home," Staff interceded. "We were demonstrating our new rejuvenation procedures. Janice tried some of those procedures, and I found the result to be very attractive ... so ... "
"Ms. McManus, the procedures obviously had a radical effect on your body. Your brain was probably affected too."
"Oh thank God, I sure hope so! Oh, I used to be such a feminazi sourpuss! But now I say, women don't need that silly old vote, it hasn't made us any happier, let's take it away!"
"Tell her what else women can do away with," Staff urged.
"Oh yeah, and women don't need to own property either, who needs silly old voting or property! And women don't need human rights either!"
"But, Ms. McManus ... women are human beings."
"Oh, no, we're not!" the Mayor assured laughingly. "We're nothing but dirty horny little animals who need to be disciplined and punished and owned and enslaved and dominated by our rightful masters -- our men! And besides, living without any rights, it's so ... HOT! I mean, just think ... a man can just grab you and kidnap you and use you, just like a toy, just like nothing but a rag doll, not relating to you as a human being, just scoping you out and attacking and using your poor helpless defenseless body to satisfy his own dark dirty twisted evil desires -- oh, holy FUCK that is so hot! Staff, honey, I'm ovulating right this minute, please pump my uterus full of your hot manly baby broth, please, please please please!?"
"Eventually LASS will be named LASSO," Staff assured Joanna, "as we rope in more and more prominent feminists and ... liberate ... their bodies and their minds."
"I won't slurp and guzzle it all down my throat like I always do, I promise," the Mayor pleaded. "Oh honey, I so want to get knocked up by you, I need you to knock me up right this second!"
"Womankind is going to get it both ways," Staff continued. "The young will be initiated into the new society by Lucky Lady Lingerie, and we're hoping we will soon be able to get the 50 Stars strip club on board with us. As for older women, I am proud to say that the Brooks-Stanwood Home will be able to work wonders on them. Just look at the great job we did on Janice!"
Joanna slowly stood up. "I'm impressed, Mr. Stanwood -- but not the way you think. Frankly, I'm amazed you confessed all this."
He laughed. "You're just the indie newspaper. No one will believe you ... Ms. Ebert, wait a minute. I can give you some great Lucky Lady coupons!"
Joanna just stalked quickly out of the office and then the house. Stanwood had a point, and it hurt: that perhaps her paper would not have much credibility. But what about the major paper? This was too important a story to surrender to the same old petty rivalries. She vaguely knew editor Maureen "Mo" McLean, they were not great friends but they got along and had some respect for each other. As she went to her car, Joanna called up Ms. McLean.
Sun Jul 15 12:04:25 2012