I woke up, and the day seemed perfectly ordinary at first. Then again, is that not a universal truth? The sample size for the day was as yet a small one, making it difficult to graph how unusual it might be as compared to other days. It might have been wiser to check around noon before making an estimation of this nature.
Regardless: Nothing was apparently out of place for the first hour or so of awakeness on this particular day. It was a little overcast, threatening rain. My little sister was as energetic as ever. She had, it seemed, acquired a new toy called a "Poke Glove." It was, in essence, a glove that one wore with an elongated index finger, with which one could torment one's elders at a distance.
"Kyoooon!" my little sister said while attempting to insert that elongated index finger up my nose. I batted it away and attempted to resume eating my breakfast. "Kyoooon!" she attempted again. "You got something riiiight there!"
Now, you may think 'yell at her to stop,' but you have to understand the little sister dynamic. If I yell at her for annoying me, that means she wins. The better reaction is to pretend to be unaffected by it so that she will get bored and do something else, which mercifully didn't take long.
That sort of thinking is important, you see, as boredom and melancholy play an important function within my everyday life. What sort of function? Well, along came my first indication that today was not an ordinary day.
"Good morning Kyon!" Haruhi said, standing just outside the front gate to my house. She spun in place, stuck her hands on her hips and gave me a V salute. "Are you ready for what we discussed last night?"
Last night...? Ah, now here I wracked my brain trying to remember what inane thing she came up with last night. Probably nothing good. This particular Goddess in human form had a penchant for getting bored and coming up with scenarios that bordered on the insane, then kept right on going until they would make even a lunatic balk. There was no sense to them, no rhyme nor reason. It was pure randomness intended for one sole purpose: Keep Haruhi entertained at all costs.
"No," I said with full honesty. It would cause me a short term headache, but better that than a longer term one. There was no telling what I may agree to otherwise! "I don't feel ready yet. Run it by me again?"
Wag wag wag goes that finger, and I resigned myself to a stern lecture uphill. "Silly Kyon, this whole thing was your idea!" she nagged. Then dragged hold of my collar and frog marched me up that long, steep hill. "You humans are so forgetful! I swear, it's a wonder you invented the wheel, never mind the Internet! Come on, Yuki's already dressed up at the Literary Club, we're just waiting for you now!"
This was a lot to process all at once, you understand. "The Literary Club?" I asked. Something wasn't right here. Hadn't Haruhi just said 'you humans'? "Don't you mean the SOS Brigade?"
"The SOS Brigade?" she asked. "What is that? It sounds like some kind of earthling rescue team! Ooh! I bet that would keep Yuki's mind active so she doesn't accidentally destroy the universe. You're the best Kyon, no wonder we keep you around."
And now I knew for a fact that something weird was going on. Aside from everything else Haruhi had said, she had just complimented me! Hell hath frozen over, the devil himself is trying to wrap up warm. That thought left me in such a stupor that I didn't even notice when Haruhi quickly looked around to see if anyone was watching, snapped her fingers - and poof, there we were on the school roof quick as you like.
"Ah, it's so handy being able to rewrite space and time to your own whims," Haruhi said. She stretched out, apparently fully aware of her godlike ability. "Now, if only the Data Entity would allow me to have tits like Asahina! Then we'd really be rocking!"
Now, you see, here is my problem: I didn't know what the hell was going on right now. Haruhi was behaving quite strangely. She had just teleported me to the school roof, and the way she was talking made it seem like she wasn't actually human at all. Was it safe to ask her what was happening? I could hardly tell. The whole situation was entirely too confusing, and there was only one person I could think of to ask for answers.
That person, incidentally, opened the door to the school roof and ran out while cosplaying as Lum. If Lum wore glasses.
"Waaaaaah!" yelled Yuki-cosplaying-as-Lum. The tiger print bikini was a definite thumbs up on her petite figure if you asked me. More concerning was the bashful yelling, and also the part where she bowled me over without seeming to watch where she was going. "Kyon, help!" Yuki asked, looking up at me and blushing. "Asahina is bullying me again!"
"It's not bullying!" Asahina called, leaning confidently against the doorway while cosplaying as Dio Brando from Stardust Crusaders. "It's called forced cosplay! Someday you'll enjoy it, I promise. Kukuku... Young people today have no appreciation for the classics of anime and manga! I will teach you the joys of 80s Japanese media! ZA WURLDO!"
"Now, that's quite en-" Haruhi was saying, then to my eternal annoyance completely froze in place as soon as Asahina had 'activated her Stand'. She stayed still for exactly five seconds, and then continued moving. "-nough Asahina! Even your big boobs can't keep us distracted for long."
A hand reached out through the doorway, and the eternally punchable face of Koizumi followed after it. He tweaked Asahina's delightful ear, causing a very familiar facial expression and whine to appear on her pretty face. Much better, I don't think I could handle the idea of an evil Mikuru Asahina existing in my life.
"Good morning Kyon!" Koizumi cheerily hailed. "My, my! I do hope that these three have not troubled you this fine morning." He held up a uniform. "Yuki, I have found where Asahina hid your clothes. Please return to the clubroom and dress, we'll wait up here for you."
"O-okay!" Yuki said. Her arms were crossed over her chest as she ran across the roof, but half way there she peered back at me and made a rather poor attempt at covering her rear instead. Then she tripped, got back up and kept on running. Needless to say but this was not the Yuki I knew.
"Really now, Miss Asahina!" Koizumi said, matter of fact to the girl. "A time freeze ability like that is quite ridiculous. In order for that sort of thing to work you would need CLASSIFIED INFORMATION and your Esper powers certainly wouldn't allow for that!"
"Oooh, I just want to have a little fun..." Asahina whimpered in his grip. "I mean, that is what we're meant to do, right? Keep her entertained so that she doesn't get bored and blow the universe up!"
I looked between them and Haruhi Suzumiya. Aha, so I see what must have happened. This morning, when my sister put that toy's finger up my nose, the plastic at the end of it must have melted and was doing peculiar things to my brain. Everyone was... Off. No other way to describe it. They were all simply, not right.
"Well, to be honest it's not hard to see why she prefers fiction to reality," Haruhi scoffed. "You world is so boring, for the most part! It's no wonder we've not initiated contact before now, you just didn't have anything worth seeing until you became a universal threat."
"Question?" I asked. "Could one of you, maybe... Check me to make sure that I'm normal normal normal normal normal -"
And then I was alone on the school roof. I blinked and looked around in even more of a state of confusion than I had already been in, and that situation certainly wasn't helped when all of a sudden the door burst open and Mikuru Asahina rushed out, clad in a bunnygirl-maid combo outfit and for the second time this morning I was completely bowled over.
"Waaah!" Mikuru wailed into my chest. "Kyon, save me! M-Miss Suzumiya is on the cosplay path again!"
The cosplay path. Like a warpath, but miles worse. Sure enough I could see her standing there in the doorway with her eyes shining like a pair of stars in the night's sky: Two little pinpricks of light cast against a sea of endless darkness. Then she held up a sleeveless waiter's uniform. Now, at this point I may have screamed, I may have passed out. But who could really say? The only thing I really knew was this:
Today was not going to be a normal day.
Sun Jun 11 14:51:06 2017
1 comment Last updated: Mon Jun 12 00:28:01 2017