Konosuba Succubus Shop - Obligatory Tentacle Monster

Unending BE - episode 1244778

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The next week was not very good for Kazuma. While Aqua, Megumin, and Darkness were off looking for a poor innocent succubus, an alarm sounded and it turned out one of the most legendary and dangerous things in the world, The Destroyer, was rampaging straight into the path of their little town.

It had been an insane gambit, but the hopes and (wet)dream of the adventurers of the town had come through. Kazuma had even brilliantly thought of a plan to disable the insane machine! Even the one complication had been overcome!

OK. Wiz and Megumin were ready, he just needed to use Aqua’s infinite mana to supply them with MP for Explosion and… wait.

“Where’s Aqua?”

“I don’t know. Hasn’t she been helping?” Megumin asked.

Kazuma’s eye twitched.

Back at the mansion, Aqua was leaving no stone unturned. “Come out you little succubus! I know you’re hiding somewhere!”

”WHY ARE YOU STILL WORRIED ABOUT THE GODDAMN SUCCUBUS!” Kazuma screamed, grabbing Aqua by the ear.

“Ow! Kazuma! Are you possessed again!”

“Everybody out there’s been fighting for their lives and you’ve been back here tilting at windmills you useless Goddess!” Kazuma started dragging her to the battlefield by the ear.

“Ow! Ow! Kazuma! Let go! How dare you treat a Goddess this way!”

Yes other than that wrinkle the plan went perfectly.

It was after the Destroyer was defeated that things started to go wrong. He had gotten arrested! Tried! Actually found guilty! It wasn’t until Darkness at the last freaking second pulled some bigger strings that his sentence was delayed to prove his innocence...and have him pay for the damages!

He was actually poorer than he had been before saving town. Again!

So here he was, poor as dirt again, fingering the pendant under his shirt, looking for jobs to pay his bills. He just wanted to live a lazy comfortable life! Was that too much to ask world?

As if in response a bird crapped on his head.

"Fine then! I'll take another mission!" He shouted, shaking his fist at the heavens. Right. With this pendant he could probably take slightly riskier jobs than normal so… “Huh?” In the corner of the mission board there was a simple little ad.

"Strange monster attacking travellers?” Kazuma said, “Hmm… let’s see. Bunch of travelers were attacked by it… they said it sucked... Huh so they all lived then? Hey this seems to be a pretty good reward for the difficulty!” He plucked the paper off the board, “OK! Let’s go with this one.

However, as Kazuma headed off to his still dysfunctional party, he completely missed the pair of eyes watching him.

“You sure this is good?” Megumin asked, “We are down a party member.”

Kazuma laughed, “Don’t worry! I picked up some upgrades to get a little tougher. Won’t be as good as Darkness at tanking but I can actually hit things in return.”

“Wait where’d you get the levels for that?” Aqua asked.

“Err… roleplaying EXP?”

They stared at him blankly.

“Does it matter!” Kazuma said, “Come on, let’s go. It’s down by a beach here.” He pointed at a spot on the map. “It’ll be easy. I’ll lure it out and Megumin can blow it up.”

“And what do I do?” Aqua asked.

“.....you can do party tricks.” Kazuma said.

“All right!” Aqua cheered, pulling out fans and causing tiny fountains to spray out of them.

Like a well oiled machine, the party set out.

And a bit behind them, a cloaked figure followed.

“Are we there yeettt?”

“Again. No.” Kazuma said to Aqua.

“Come on! We’ve been on this dumb cart for like, forever!”

“It’s been an hour.” Megumin said. “So what exactly are we fighting?”

“Err, it doesn’t say.” Kazuma pulled out the papers detailing monster, with some sketches and victim testimonials. “Just that it’s kind of dangerous.”

"Oh, woe! It is a terrible thing!" one of the testimonials said. But honestly Kazuma didn’t know if that was talking about the monster or the tragic fate genetics had given the sketched guy’s nose. Was it even a nose? Maybe he was looking at the face wrong and...

“Kazuma!” Whap! Aqua had apparently gotten board enough to start throwing things, in this case an apple. It, of course, hit him in the face. Honestly it barely hurt, half the damage of an apple impact isn’t much. He glared at Aqua. Honestly she was such a ch1ld! That body did not suit her in the slightest!

“What!?” Kazuma said.

“Why’d you pick a place so far ouuttt!”

“Because it pays well!” Kazuma said.

“Meow.” Halting the argument a cat popped out of Megumin’s hat.

“Eh?” Both Kazuma and Aqua stopped their bickering. “Megumin, what’s that?” Kazuma asked.

“This? This is Chomusuke.” Megumin chuckled, “He’s my dreaded familiar! Tremble before his power!”

Chomusuke stared at Kazuma, jumping down and landing in his lap.

“Huh. I think he likes me.” Kazuma smiled and scratched the cat behind the ears.

“She.” Megumin said.

“...why did you give a girl a name like Chomusuke?”

"Why did your parents give you the name Kazuma, Kazuma?"

"Yes, yes, I am Kazu-" he began, then cut himself off when he realised this wasn't that running joke.

Meanwhile, a couple dozen feet away, a cloaked figure was chasing after the cart. “Hah… hah… need… to.. Keep… up… with…” thud. Collapsed onto the dirt road. “No… can’t…” And so the crawling began.

“All right! Here we are. The Lovely Sapphire Beach! Where the monster was sighted.” Kazuma said, “All we gotta do is find it and lure it out.”

Kazuma had to admit, this was a nice beach! Pristine sand, sparkling water, good sun. He had half a mind to take a vacation here once he had some money. According to the map the monster appeared at “Bikini cove” a bit into the beach. Huh, funny. “Hey does Bikini mean anything here?” Kazuma asked.

The two party members glared at him. “What do you think you perverted NEET? It’s a swimsuit!” Aqua said, “Don’t think you can trick us into getting in them!”

“Oh please, why would I be interested in seeing either of you in swimsuits?”

".... Aqua. My intuition as an Arch Wizard of the Crimson Magic Clan is screaming at me that he selected this mission for an untoward motive!"

Kazuma’s eye twitched.

“What if he tries to get us into swimsuits and then steals them from us?” Aqua said, “Then he could ogle our supple beautiful bodies all he wanted!” Deep within the two girls, the minute trace amounts of lustful energy spiked up a bit, sending an unwanted shudder down their spines.

“If I was going to ogle some women I’d ogle ones that didn’t piss me off!” Kazuma groused, “Come on! The cove’s over here.” At this point he just wanted to get the mission over and done with. It couldn't be worse than putting up with the suspicious stares from the two girls and the cat.

Actually, the cat's suspicious gaze was even worse than the two girls put together. When a cat is suspicious of you, it's like a lead weight on your shoulders.

Down the trail to the cove, a small secluded bit of beach separate from the rest.

“You know, this would be a good spot for any deviant plans.” Megumin observed, “It would not matter the depths of his depravity. Nobody would be able to hear our cries for help! Our desperate pleas to save our purity! Nobody could approach, and we’d be defiled.”

Kazuma stopped at the edge of the water. “Look! For the last time, I’m not that kind of guy!” He turned to rant at them. “I know I’ve done some things that are a bit… weird.” The water bubbled a bit behind him. “But come on! If I really wanted to take advantage of you why would I drag you out here instead of doing it in our home!”

“Err, Kazuma.” Aqua said.

“Don’t interrupt me! It’s like everything I do is interpreted in the worst possible light by you two!” Kazuma completely missed the shadow rising up behind him. “Don’t think I forgot how you forced your way into the party Megumin!”

Megumin pointed behind him, her hand trembling. “Th-that’s nice Kazuma but-”

“Nice? Nice!? What’s nice about making everybody think you're some kind of weirdo molester? I mean, sure I stole that one girl's underwear but that was an accident! And so was the other times that happened!"

“Kazuma! The monster’s behind you!” Aqua screamed. This marked the most useful thing she'd do all week, but alas it was still a touch too late.

“Eh?” Kazuma turned around to see a giant green blob. With cartoonish eyes and a goofy smile, as well as bright pink tentacles extending out from its underside. “Oh come on that’s such a rip off of a Healsl-” One of the tentacles lashed out, wrapping around Kazuma! “Whoa! He-hey!” The creature lifted him up, “Let go you dumb random encounter! H-hey listen!”

The monster’s expression instantly flipped from smile to frown, before another tentacle extended and slapped Kazuma on the face. Only around two dozen times, before tossing him off to the side, landing in the water with a loud splash. Then its gaze turned to Aqua and Megumin. Its tentacles lashed out at high speeds! Aqua was able to avoid it, but Megumin…!

“Kyaaa!” Megumin was pulled up, “Let go this is gross and slimy and yuck!”

Its eyes became cartoon hearts as it began rubbing its tentacles against Megumin. Meanwhile, Kazuma surfaced at the shore and spat water out of his mouth, looking up at the sight of a tentacle monster molesting his party member.

“Of course we get something like this when Darkness isn’t around to enjoy it.” He said.

"Kazuma! Kazuma! I knew it!" Aqua angrily protested, kneeling by his head and furiously pounding on his chest.

“Yes, yes I'm Kazuma... And what do you think you know in that empty head of yours!?” Kazuma protested.

“You planned this! I bet you teamed up with that evil monster to put on this perverse show! NEET! Loser! Molester! If you think I’m going to aaaeeeee---” Her rant was interrupted by Kazuma grabbing her by the ear again and dragging her to the fight.

"Recriminations later! Assisting Archmage nowish!" Kazuma shouted, “I’ll need you to cast some healing spells on her once I got her loose!”

“And how are you going to do that idiot?” Aqua shouted, “Your buddy will just shove you away again! Then it will use those tentacles to dirty my pure, innocent, divine and perfect body!"

“Don’t call me an idiot idiot! And I have an idea!” Kazuma let go of Aqua, “Hey! Monster! I got another pretty girl for you!” He pointed to Aqua.

“...didn’t you just say you weren’t working with him?” Aqua said flatly.

“It’s called a distraction! You can outrun it right?”

The tentacles extended, and Aqua jumped. “Kyaaaaa!! Stay away!” Sand erupted out of the ground where they impacted!

Good! With the idiot distracting the perverted monster Kazuma could do his plan! Now, he had no idea if this would work, but hey, if it didn’t he’d improvise! He stood up, faced the monster, and with a resolute expression thrust out his hands!

”STEAL!” He shouted, and there was a blinding light!

“Let me go you ugly slimy thing I swear I’ll explod your ugly stupid- huh?” Megumin looked up, and realized she was no longer being held by tentacles, but… by Kazuma?

“You alright Megumiiinnnnn!!!” Kazuma’s eyes popped out. For you see, Megumin was no longer in her usual mage outfit. No, instead she was wearing a very different outfit. Namely a red and black bikini! Also, the way Kazuma was holding her… well… one hand was gripping her rear and the other was on her chest. Kazuma realized this was, perhaps, the worst possible way to hold a girl. Even one that was not already suspicious of your motives.

Megumin’s eye twitched, her staff raised up, “I knew it!” She shouted, beaning Kazuma over the head with her staff, “This was all a trick to get me into a bikini and have your way with me! Well? Confess! Confess your sins!”

“Ow! Ow! Megumin!” Megumin could hit pretty hard with that staff! “Stop! I don’t know!”

“Well? What’s the position? Going to just keep holding me like this? Missionary? From behind? In the water! How are you planning to defile me!?”

“You’re sounding like Darkness ow!”

“Shut up you Pervert NEET!”

“Now you sound like Aqua!”

“If you don’t have bad intentions then why are your hands still on my boobs and butt?”

“They are? I didn't notice you even had those!”

“You little...! That’s it! Explosion ti-”

“EEEEKKKKK!!!”

It should be noted that as Kazuma and Megumin shouted at each other that Kazuma had not let go of Megumin and Megumin had been leaning closer and closer to his face. But the shouting was stopped and both looked up at the shriek.

“Ah. It got Aqua.” Kazuma said, finally letting go of Megumin. He drew his sword, “Well now that I’ve got you it’s time to kill it.” He took a step towards it… and was immediately shoved away by multiple tentacles. “Ow.”

“Well he’s useless.” Megumin grumbled. “Well then…” How to save Aqua from this terrible fate without killing her too with Explosion?

The monster turned back towards her, Aqua’s tantrum being background noise.

“Oh hell no, you’re not going to get me again!” Megumin held up her staff, “Sorry Aqua but-”

“I… hah… am… hah… here to save you…”

Kazuma pulled himself out of the sand, “Huh?”

A cloaked person, clearly out of breath and leaning up against a tree. “You… aah…. Got… in over your head again… oh why didn’t I rent a horse… Hah… Megumin!” There was an attempt to throw off the cloak dramatically, but due to being completely out of breath it just kind of flopped down.

“...Yunyun what are you doing there.” Megumin asked.

"B-Because!" Yunyun declared. Kazuma looked her over. Wow that was a nice outfit. Kazuma wondered what the point of the cleavage window on her blouse was but looking at the size of her chest it worked pretty well. And wow that pink mini-skirt, and the twintails at the front with red ribbons. Cute! This girl was pretty cute!

"Megumin! You cannot escape our destined clashing! Our absolutely not friendly confrontations and rivalry must come to a head at last, as I finally prove my superiority and rescue your stupid looking friend from that perverted monster!"

"We appreciate the gesture, but there's not much we can do about Kazuma."

"She means the perverted monster attacking meeeee!" Aqua cried out. "Kazuma! Why do you call me useless when you're standing around letting this happen! Waaaaah!"

Yunyun stepped forward, “Just watch... I’ll handle this in a flash!” She held up her hands, red eyes flashing. ”Light of Saber!”

And nothing happened.

“Err… what was that?” Kazuma said, “It sounded like a spell but…”

“Huh? Light of Saber! Light of Saber! Light of Saber!” Yunyun began flailing, “This… oh. Oh no.”

“What?” Kazuma and Megumin asked.

“Err it seems that running after you three burned through all my stamina so I started using my MP.” She smiled sheepishly, “I’m drained.”That’s when the tentacles lashed forward and wrapped around Yunyun, pulling her up to meet Aqua.

“... Oh, so this is what it looks like when someone is less useful than Aqua." Kazuma said. “OK. I’m going to try and Steal them again and Megumin you blow it up the instant I-”

The monster suddenly was in front of them, and a big smile on its face, deposited Aqua and Yunyun back onto the ground.

Both were now wearing bikinis. Aquas was blue, matching her hair. While Yunyun’s was pink.

The creature nodded, and began floating back to the water.

“...what the hell just happened.” Kazuma said.

“Well ladies, what do you think?” From somewhere a tanned man in swimtrunks and sunglasses appeared. “Lovely Sapphire Brand special Love Bikinis!”

“What.” Kazuma and Megumin said at once.

Aqua was too busy blubbering about not being able to get married to notice.

“Err… wait. What is this?”

“Our specially bred and magically engineered Louie over there-” The monster waved from the beach, “Makes sure that each girl has the perfect Bikini for them!”

Kazuma had to admit, the swimsuits did perfectly flatter each girl's figures, even if he had no interest whatsoever in two of them. Yunyun’s even managed to both perfectly show off and yet still contain those beauties!

“Here’s your reward for being such a good sport.” The man deposited a fairly large bag of coins into Kazuma’s hands. “Now be sure to spread the word about our wonderful line of swimwear!”

“Wait wait wait.” Megumin said, “Are you saying this entire thing has been an advertising gimmick!?”

“Well, yes? The noblewomen love it!” The man laughed.

“I see.” Kazuma said, “So this was all a joke on us.”

“Err, I wouldn’t put it like that, you did get the money we promised.”

“Oh but we were hired to kill a monster.” Kazuma flatly said, turning around to see ‘Louie’ still waving. “Megumin. Kill it.”

Megumin held up her staff with glee, the magic circle forming around her. “Oh mighty force that birthed this world…

The man began to panic “N-now wait a minute! Louie’s harmless! Plus he’s resistant to anything but like, the highest tier magic!”

”...bring back things to how they began…”

“Well that’s no problem then! We got an Archmage here!”

“B-but… please! Our advertising!”

”...death… rebirth… everything reduced to zero…”

“Not my problem!” Kazuma held up the cash, “Got my money for the job, thank you for patronizing the Adventurer's Guild!”

”EXPLOSION!” The air was filled with heat and light, and the perverted tentacle monster was very quickly no more.

OK, in hindsight pissing off the Bikini people before they could get new clothing from was a slightly bad idea.

Plus, it seemed that the people giving them rides on the carts were in on the scam. As such they were now stuck walking all the way back home.

Well, Aqua, Yunyun, and Kazuma walked. Megumin just lay there in post-explosion bliss on Kazuma’s back.

While all of them were quite annoyed by that particular misadventure, none of them had noticed Kazuma's pendant or the effect it was having on all of them. He'd been slapped around by a large tentacle monster then tossed to the ground, had his chest pounded by Aqua... That was a decent amount of damage to cut in half.

It was not the first time Megumin had been given a piggyback ride by Kazuma after an Explosion. But something felt different. Actually Megumin had been feeling a little weird since he had “stolen” her from the monster. Rubbing her chest a bit against his back, she muttered into his ear, “You’re not doing something like that again.”

“Do what?”

“Using ‘saving me’ as an excuse to molest me.”

“It’s not like I planned that.” Kazuma grumbled. “Should I ask to molest you first then?”

Something about those words. “...well if you ask first.”

That made Kazuma stumble onto his face.

“Ah! Megumin, are you OK?” Yunyun asked.

“Oh you don’t ask about me?” Kazuma griped.

"We're sorry! We didn't realise you'd had your clothes ruined by a giant tentacle monster and were being forced to walk back home while wearing skimpy revealing bikinis!" Aqua fumed. Then out of nowhere the Goddess was struck by a rather peculiar idea to further tease the idiot NEET. She skipped ahead and spanked herself. Right in front of him. "Naughty Aqua! So selfish! So inconsiderate! So much like a perverted NEET!"

"You were the one who said it..." Kazuma sighed, not noticing the way his eyes lingered on her butt. Really, by now he should have been used to seeing it anyway. Hell, it was probably more covered than usual with that bikini bottom.

“W-well here, let me help you up.” Yunyun lowered a hand, pulling Kazuma up, Megumin still on his back.

“Thank you.” Kazuma took a moment to appreciate the close up look at her bouncing beauties. That’s when Megumin slapped him on the side of the head.

“Don’t ogle her!” She whispered. “They’re just useless sacks of fat!”

Was that jealousy Kazuma heard? Well he could tease her later, right now they needed to get home.

A carriage traveling on the other side of the road stopped across from them, and the door opened to reveal a woman wearing ridiculously expensive clothing peering out. “Oh! Um, excuse me?”

“...yes?” Kazuma asked.

“Well, um, I was wondering…”

“Wondering about what?” Aqua asked.

“That swimwear you ladies have on!” Her eyes shined, “It looks amazing! How much did it cost? Where did you get it?”

There was a long, painful silence. Kazuma’s eye twitched, he slowly and mechanically raised his hand, “Lovely Sapphire Beach.”

“Oh thank you young man!” The noblewoman smiled, reached into her purse and threw a second bag of money. “To Lovely Sapphire Beach!” The carriage rode off, at higher speeds than before.

“...I almost don’t want to take that money she just tossed at us.” Kazuma said.

Go back - Go to the parent episode.

Tritan

Fri Dec 01 17:36:46 2017

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