Bruised, burnt, twitching from electric shock. In other words, the end of a normal day for Ataru Moroboshi. Really now, it wasn't his fault. What was he supposed to do, let those pretty girls go by without asking them their names, phone numbers and addresses? He might never see them again!
Alas, the pertinent females in his life did not see it that way. Actually it was a little weird, but most of the people Ataru might call friends were actually women. Yet despite their seeming tolerance of his presence they never wanted to have some simple fun like a date! Or a sunset stroll, or a kiss, or… or…
Well you get the idea.
Except for Lum, but Lum was the exception in many weird ways. And by this point not going to her was a point of pride. If he became desperate enough try and pick up Lum it meant that his dream was dead! And what was his dream, one may ask? Why the dream any healthy young man might have.
A harem of pretty girls!
Ah he could picture them all. All around him, fawning over him. His childhood friend Shinobu, the tough tomboyish Ryunosuke, the cool Oyuki, the dark and magical Sakura, the strong biker chick Benten, the… slightly psychotic… Ran, and of course the jewel of his harem the enthusiastic and adorable Lu-
Oh man! He had almost lost control of his thoughts there. Right, he just needed to sit back, and focus, and keep trying and one day he’d… he’d get his harem, darn it all!
“Ataru.” His mother poked her head into his room, “Are you not doing something shameful again right now?”
“No Mom.” Ataru said.
“Wow.” His mother expressed amazement, “I guess you are just laying there doing nothing. That is a marked improvement!”
Anyone else making that remark would be getting yelled at. Not his mother though. No, he wasn't crazy enough for that. “Do you need something Mom?”
“Among other things... One of your friends, I think the one who lives in your closet and keeps walking snow in.” Oyuki then. He sprung up right away. Oyuki was here! “Left this thing behind.” Or she wasn’t, darn. His mother held up what looked like a weird plastic screen with buttons on the side. “It was in the trash can.”
Ataru took the little block of plastic and pressed the central button.
AMAZING TECH! ORDER NOW! Ataru pressed the left button and saw the screens lip to a picture and description of an item along with the price. “I… I think it’s an alien sales catalog.”
“Oh that would explain why it was with all her junk mail.” She said, “Well I suppose that’s one mystery solved! Thank you Ataru, for once.”
Ataru, meanwhile found himself flipping through the catalogue. Alien tech was pretty amazing if this sort of thing was meant to be thrown away! Most of the devices seemed pretty weird and/or useless.
Or worse, something Lum had already used on him. He remembered this stupid 'speaks your mind' t-shirt! Finally after a lot of flipping he came across this weird little device.
It had a clip and a screen with some buttons and dials on it.
“The Level Upper™!
We all want to get better, right? But sometimes it’s so hard! You plateau and struggle but no matter what you try you simply run in place! Well worry no more, The Level Upper™ is here for you. Using advanced bulshium tech we’re able to narrowly find the functions of your mind, body, and soul that determine how good you are at a skill. The Level Upper™ will turn your effort, no matter how repetitive and simple into improvement! Grind away at your skill levels to reach the heights of your dreams!
Warning, The Level Upper™ will not be held accountable for any reality breakage from reaching levels of skill beyond reality. Do not wear The Level Upper™ for more than twelve hour at a time. Do not imbibe alcohol or cold medication while The Level Upper™ is equipped.“
Ataru scrolled down to the price. “Wow, that’s... really cheap! How the hell is it so cheap?! There must be some kind of catch!” He scrolled down further, trying to find whatever catch existed.
Maybe the catch was that it just doesn’t work? Or it’s some cheap hunk of junk that breaks quickly?
Ataru did the mental math, he could afford this if he mooched off Lum for lunches for the next week. Easy enough to do as long as he didn’t let her cook them. He pressed the “Order Now” button.
And then a giant white gloved mechanical hand came out of the top of the device, picking up Ataru and shaking out his wallet. “Hey! Come on!” The hand dropped him, and opened up his wallet and shook it into the top of the device. “Ow couldn’t you have set me down or just asked for the money!”
A receipt printed out of the device, letting him know that it would be showing up within thirty seconds. “Thirty seconds… the hell?”
“Your package sir.”
Ataru jumped up into the air, “Where did you- How did you get here so fast!?”
A little green alien in a spacesuit used the hand not holding a box to hold Ataru’s package pointed to its side, where there was a Level Upper hooked on. “Delivery Skill: 89” was flashing on the screen. “All employees get one.”
Ataru took the package and stamped the form. "So, this really works as advertised? No tricks?"
"Well, I am an employee. Not really impartial. You should turn to our market research firm for impartial confirmation." The delivery-alien said, before flipping a dial on its Level Upper. It now said “After Work Drinking: 100.” “Well I’m off the clock now, have a good day sir.” And it was gone.
Ataru opened the package, and sure enough inside was one of the Level Uppers, shiny and pristine. Alright then. The fact that this had appeared in an alien catalogue meant that quite possibly the aliens in his life would recognize it. Which would be annoying. So he took a moment to adjust his shirt and pants and… “There we go!” Nice and hidden.
Although now he had to wonder what the hell he would level up.
Sun Dec 10 05:38:25 2017
2 comments Last updated: Mon Dec 11 06:43:01 2017