School was over, and with it Ataru could begin his after school routine. Many students had clubs to go to after school, and Ataru was technically an exception. Because tragically for some reason the Principal refused to approve of his idea for a “Pick up Girls” club. Even though he approved the Lum Fan Club right away. And the Mendo Fan Club! And the “Turn down Ataru Moroboshi Whenever he Asks you Out Club!” If he didn’t know better he’d swear he was being picked on.
So even though it was not an official club, as the sole member and president Ataru did his best to fulfil the club’s stated mission. Namely, pick up girls.
"Hey babe! What was it like when you fell from heaven?"
"What was it like when you crawled out of hell?" the girl replied without breaking stride.
“Aww don’t be like that! I just want to talk!” Ataru said, and in response the woman pulled out a spray can from her purse and sprayed him in the face. Fortunately for him and unfortunately for the woman Ataru had been hit in the face with pepper spray so much he was immune to it. A bit of tears in his eyes was the only reaction. “See? I’m crying at your beau-”
Alas, nothing could ever prepare a man for a kick between the legs. One may wonder why Ataru didn’t just a wear a cup. If asked that question and capable of answering it rather then falling to the ground in a fetal position, he would have said they didn’t usually do that. Also, Lum usually zapped him by this point. Actually, as the blinding pain faded from Ataru’s mind a thought occurred to him. Lum hadn’t zapped him at all yet. Oh he wasn’t complaining, but usually at the first sign of progress she was there with the Divine Retribution. Which might be a step up from the ball buster, if he was frank.
He stood up, having recovered quickly, and glanced behind him to see Lum holding a pen in one hand a notebook in the other. Well this was new, Lum was so focused on… something that she wasn’t even noticing him girl hunting!
Then it came, the conflict! Should he ask what she’s doing? Or use this opportunity to sneak off and do some extra intense girl hunting!? Alas, the former won out. Due to his curiosity at Lum’s odd behavior and not in any way because he was worried about her! Besides! This kind of thing usually wound up being trouble for him in the long run anyway, best he knows about it now.
“What’re you scribbling in there? Miss your homework?” Ataru said, peering over her shoulder to see scribblings in what he assumed was the Oni language.
“I have the computer do that Darling.” Lum said, “I already graduated already after all. This is my notes on Ran’s schemes!”
“Ignoring the blatant admission of cheating, what schemes?”
Lum glanced back up from Ataru, “Oh Darling, your naivie is so cute.” She said, scribbling down a few more notes. “Ran’s a doll, yeah, but she had a scheming vindictive side.” She frowned, “I… may have done some bad things as a ch1ld she gets mad about sometimes.”
“Sweet little Ran? I find that a bit hard to believe. She’s a sweet girl, not at all jealous or vindictive like you.” Ataru said, he got a mild shock for that. More of a static shock, clearly she was just mildly annoyed.
“I’m serious Darling, and she’s going on a date with Ryuunosuke to spite me somehow!” Lum clenched her notebook a little tightly, bending the pages.
"Did you ever think that maybe driving you to work out what she's up to was her plan all along?"
"No! No! She's not that kind of schemer, she's usually a lot more obvious." Lum said. “She has two tricks, her cute and sweet act and her power.”
“Her power?” Ataru asked.
“Yeah she can drain energy from beings she kisses.” Lum said off handedly.
“...she’s tried to kiss me.” Ataru said. Thinking for a moment on how cute Ran looked when she was attempting to smooch him. “Eh, it’s worth it.”
Lum glared at Ataru and zapped him again. “Be serious Darling! Ran’s got to be having some plan or scheme involved with going on a date with Ryuunosuke! She’s in love with Rei after all!” Lum flipped some pages, “I mean look here!”
“All I see is a bunch of weird symbols I can’t understand.” Ataru said.
Lum frowned, “Give me a moment…” She dug through her blouse, “Here we are! Universal Translation Glasses! Wear these and you can read any language. Also they’re stylish.”
“They’re girls glasses.” Ataru said, but Lum slapped them on anyways, “Oh fine.” he read the page. “...she once tried to use you as bait to lure Rei over to she could feed him a giant Pepper Pie?”
“Yes! It was awful, I didn’t get any of it!” Lum said. “And she rubbed that in my face for a week!”
Suddenly that one time Ran shouted “Pepper Pie” to Lum for no reason made sense to Ataru. “What does Ryuunosuke have to do with Rei or messing with you?”
“That’s just it!” Lum said, “She seems to think I want her for some reason, and is trying to take her from me? She said something about a ‘hunky harem…’”
“Hunky harem!?” Ataru shouted, “W-what!? You trying to get other guys!?” He looped around to her front, still wearing the silly glasses.
Lum was so stunned by his shouting that she forgot to point out the absurd hypocrisy of that concern. “N-no Darling! Y-you’re the only man for me!” She said, her eyes widening.
Now, being a man Ataru was in no way influenced by the pretty goddess fragment on Ryuunosuke's ear. He was, however, a bog standard regular pervert. So a perverted thought came into his mind, and he had to admit Lum’s panic was cute, and an urge to tease her about something came up.
“Only man?” Ataru said, an eyebrow raised to convey suspicion. “Could it be that the reason you’re really mad at Ryuunosuke going on a date with Ran is because you actually have the hots for her!?”
“W-what don’t be silly! I’d… even if Ryuunosuke is kind of good looking that still doesn’t mean that-”
“So you admit you find her hot.” Ataru said grimly. “You’re jealous of Ran for going on a date with her. Ran’s right, you want Ryuunosuke for yourself!” He was enjoying this far, far too much. Actually, the thought of Lum making out with Ryuunosuke... Hoo boy he'd need a cold shower after that!
“N-no it’s not like that Darling! I’m just worried about her because Ran could be doing something mean to her.” Lum said. Her face was turning red.
Huh, maybe Lum actually was attracted to Ryuunosuke? Ataru took this information in, she did seem to attract a lot of girls attention for some reason. And guys, but Ataru understood that better because under that boyish exterior was a babe. Now, remember, he was not being influenced by the Lesbian Shard while his mind cooked up this plan. “Well… maybe if you’re so worried about it we could watch over it…”
“Really?” Lum squealed, “L-like a date of our own!”
Gurk! His heart! No! He had to be strong, this was merely step one of his plan to hopefully see something hot. Plus it’d be a great excuse to shove in Lum’s face for any later girl hunting he does! “A sort of secret double date with Ran, just to make sure she doesn’t do anything…” Ataru grinned, “And then you can go out with Ryuunosuke yourself! To warn her about all the schemes Ran has done.” And maybe get in some hot positions for him to sneak pictures of!
“D-date her!?” Lum said, “Darling I just said you’re the only-”
“Like I said, it’s to warn her, you’re not cheating if I’m OK with it!” Ataru said, “Besides, she’s actually a girl so clearly it doesn’t count.” Ataru managed to somehow say with a straight face. “If you’re really worried, I could watch with a camera!”
Lum’s throat felt dry, for some reason Ataru was… convincing? "I... suppose it would be a good chance to get to know our new classmate better?" She half suggested, half asked.
A mental image of Lum getting to know Ryuunosuke very well flashed in both their heads. For Lum it was thanks to the Shard’s influence, for Ataru it was just because he’s a pervert. It involved even less clothing than Lum usually wore, which wasn't much to start with. Their reactions were quite different. Lum looking away with a heavy blush and Ataru’s grin widening. “OK Darling, if, if you think that’s a good idea.”
Honestly if it wasn’t for the Y chromosome Ataru would probably end up as one of the Lesbian Shard’s favorite people.
Mon Jan 15 04:35:02 2018