Alright! Negi was pumped. He slapped his cheeks and made sure not to knock off his glasses while doing so. He was ready. He was prepared! This super secret mission he'd been given by the headmaster was now underway! He'd have to visit the Juuban district and investigate this mysterious, lewd magic called 'titnosis', and evaluate how much of a threat it was!
For such a mission, he'd have to remain undercover. Draw as little attention to himself as possible. After all, magic was not something most people knew about, which would make any investigation a delicate matter. Fortunately, he had some assistance. People to watch his back. Allies that he could rely on, to ensure that nothing went awry -
"Excuse me sir, have you heard of titnosis?" Konoka sweetly asked a random passerby. No, no, no! That's not right! Luckily, Asuna had spotted her and was dragging her away while politely laughing it off, as if it was a funny joke. Negi wasn't laughing! They couldn't just walk up to people and -
"So basically, it seems to work off an exaggeration of how distracted men get by boobs," Haruna said, making a lewd gesture around her chest while speaking with an old lady, who was nodding along far too enthusiastically. Setsuna grabbed her arm and hauled her back, clearly lacking any trace of patience right now. "Call us if you see anyone with suspiciously large knockers!" Haruna yelled at the top of her lungs.
"You did that on purpose," Setsuna said.
"Did what on purpose?" Haruna asked, her tone reflecting innocence that Negi didn't buy for a second.
"Ahem!" Negi coughed into his hand - and in the process caused a small gust of air that sent everyone's skirts flying up. He winced a little at that. "Uh... Try to not draw attention to us, please?" he asked.
Asuna whapped him on the head. "Take your own advice!" she whisper-yelled. "Oooh! This whole thing is dumb. You're sure it's not some stupid joke the headmaster set up? This sounds like a perverted wild goose chase!"
"Oh, grandpa does like wild geese!" Konoka clapped her hands. "Though for some reason, he always seems to look for them in women's bottoms."
That one took Negi a moment to figure out. "Did he say... geese, or goose?" Negi asked. "No, wait, don't answer that. I think it might take us off on a tangent..."
"He would not joke about something this ridiculous," Setsuna said firmly. Right. That point, Negi agreed on. The details were too specific. Juuban was a bit out of the way, but if this had been a joke there would have been some sort of breast pun involved. The lack of a breast pun in Juuban was...
Actually, safest to check.
"Haruna, is there a breast pun in 'Juuban' that you can think of?" Negi asked.
Haruna's eyes sparkled, as she considered the assignment that her teacher had given her. Oh dear, Asuna and Setsuna were giving him a Look as well. It seemed as though he was being misunderstood again!
"Speaking of tangents..." Asuna grumbled. She tweaked his ear to express her displeasure, and may he just say 'ow, ow, ow!' Asuna was far too good at that! "We should probably focus on finding out more about... strange goings on around here."
"Oh, you're looking for Youma?" a random passerby asked. "Huh... not been an attack today yet, I think? I should probably check the news, there usually is one by now."
The five of them all froze in place. Except Haruna, who was still internally seeking a Juuban based innuendo. The way this person had talked about it was so casual, so normal, it was almost as though he was discussing the weather, or complaining about the government.
"An... attack?" Negi nervously replied. "What do you mean by an 'attack', exactly?"
"You're from out of town, right? You're probably monster hunters or something," the entirely random non-magic civilian said out in public without anyone around them batting an eye. "Hrmph, there's always some Dark Empire or interdimensional horrors, or cosmic invaders swinging around Juuban trying to drain the life force or willpower or what have you of the people."
"But... But magic is meant to be a secret, isn't it?" Asuna asked, rather tactlessly. "So why are monsters randomly attacking people every day without anyone caring?"
"I mean, we did at first," the civilian shrugged again. "But they always get their heads caved in by the Sailor Senshi anyway, so what's the big deal?"
"It's the Osaka girl I feel sorry for," another random passerby said. "She's always getting it."
"Oh yes, poor Naru!" another added. "It's like the girl is cursed or something. She's always getting kidnapped by those freaks... Though come to think, I don't believe she was at the last few incidents?"
Cue Haruna stepping in right away, taking notes quickly. "Is that so?" she asked. "This Naru Osaka, is she especially... busty?" Smooth. Really smooth there, Haruna.
"Ahahaha, sorry about her, she can get carried away!" Negi laughed, while Setsuna did, indeed, carry Haruna away. "Um, but we are a little interested in this Naru girl. If she's being kidnapped all the time, it could be like you say. The sign of a curse."
"She's a cute girl. Wavy red hair, honest, hard working, down to earth. The real reliable sort."
"Like the best friend to the main character in a manga!"
"Ahahaha..." Konoka chuckled. "That sounds like a terrible thing to be, no wonder she's kidnapped all the time..."
That felt like something Negi didn't want to step on, especially when Konoka was staring directly at Asuna for some reason. So. Apparently this place had breached the masquerade and all the locals knew about magic already, but the attacks had become so routine they'd basically internalised it already.
That probably wasn't psychologically healthy for any of these people, right? Furthermore, why wasn't this bigger news further afield? Had it been covered up? Had their memories been manipulated in some way, or had they simply been conditioned to not broadcast it any further?
No, that didn't make sense. They had been all too happy to tell them, obvious out of towners, all about it! They wouldn't do that if they had been conditioned to keep it secret! Unless they noticed they knew about magic in some way...? Too many questions! Way too many!
"Uh oh, he's doing that thing he does when he's taking in too much information at once..." Asuna muttered. "Girls, protect your skirts, he's probably about to -"
"Achooo!"
In a fit of irony, Asuna was the only one to get her skirt flipped up from his sudden, impromptu sneeze. Despite her being the one to warn the others about it, her hands weren't already in place to prevent the inevitable panty shot. This, of course, resulted in the teacher getting put in a headlock and his cheeks pinched while a nasty vein threatened to pop on Asuna's head. While that was going on, Konoka noticed something a little strange on a street corner.
"Huh?" she mused. "That's weird, was this fire hydrant here a moment ago...?"
The fire hydrant convulsed and trembled, before suddenly spewing out a watery hand that wrapped itself around Konoka and lifted her up into the air. "Kyaaaaa!" she screamed, while a low rumbling laugh emanated from within the fire hydrant.
"You humans and your curiosity!" the youma chuckled menacingly. "Once again it -"
And then it was sliced cleanly in two by Setsuna's sword. It happened so quickly that you could hold your eyes open, stop yourself from blinking and you'd still miss it. Alas, the water began to pull itself together right behind Setsuna, and the laugh began anew.
"Kukuku! As if a mere sword could harm -"
"Zanmaken," Setsuna cooly said, sheathing her blade, and at the same time she did so the fire hydrant youma evaporated on the spot, dropping Konoka right into Setsuna's waiting arms. "Are you alright?"
"Ooooh, so cool~" Konoka blushed, the two of them looking deeply into each other's eyes - only for the spell to break when Haruna snapped a picture. "Ah! Ahem! A-Anyway! If people here have to deal with something like that regularly, it must be a huge inconvenience! Weren't they saying one girl gets kidnapped all the time around here, too?"
"Right, the Osaka girl," Negi said. He rubbed his chin, deep in thought. "That is as good a lead as any. It can't be a coincidence that youma are attacking here and then out of nowhere something strange and mysterious pops up too."
There was a good chance that girl had found something or other these monsters wanted. If nothing else, his conscience was compelling him to investigate further. After all, the Sailors wouldn't necessarily be lucky forever. They might not be able to save her one day, and then where would she be?
"Keep your eyes and ears open, girls," Negi said. "There must be something about this girl that means she gets kidnapped this much, but it probably won't be obvious. Pay careful attention, and let me know if you notice anything."
=====
"Oh, I think it would be breast if you came inside," said the owner of the jewellry store, Mrs Osaka, Naru's mother. "It's so nice to have visitors. Can I get you anything? A glass of milk, perhaps you would like to watch the boob tube?"
"Tits!" a young girl yelled from the next room for no apparent rhyme or reason.
"Teacher, I think I've noticed something weird," Haruna whispered in Negi's ear, and not exactly being subtle about it either. "Also, do you think I can get adopted into this family...?"
How refreshing. For once, Asuna was tweaking someone else's ears to make them behave. Honestly though, Haruna was probably not the best person to bring along here.
"Mrs Osaka, I have to say, I am a little surprised you are taking me so seriously," Negi said. "After all, we hardly have the appearance of officials or investigators. I... Uh... Why are you staring like that?"
Staring. Staring directly ahead. Staring at Haruna's chest. Then Asuna's. Then Konoka, then Setsuna, and back to Haruna. Nodding in appreciation. Okay. Alright. Uh huh...
"There's nothing at all suspicious about a rack like that!" she said, and Negi felt like falling off his chair! "Uhuhuhuhu... If you show them to me I will give you cake~"
Haruna actually began to unbutton her top right there and then. Konoka as well! Asuna and Setsuna scrambled to stop them from doing something that absurd and perverted, while Negi felt like he'd been turned to stone. Huh?! Who says that to a stranger visiting your home? An investigator, no less?!
"Ahem!" Asuna coughed. "So, we're here about your daughter!" She said this rather forcefully. Trying to push the conversation forward, and away from more... lewd aspects. "Naru, right? Have you noticed anything strange about her recently?"
"Well, she has been bringing in some new friends of late," Mrs Osaka mused. "Including this nice girl named Index who likes to show me her tits when I give her cake." There was a pause there for a moment. "Please show me your tits, I have yummy cake."
"Teacher, I'm being tempted," Haruna whispered in his ear.
"Please don't get into the habit of selling your body for sweets..." Asuna whispered back.
Sage advice! Nonetheless, Negi was having a really bad feeling about all of this. The way this woman and her daughter were -
"Tits!" the young girl screamed at the top of her lungs from the next room over.
Ahem! As he was thinking! The way these two were behaving was very, very peculiar to say the least.
"Could you tell us more about these new friends your daughter has made?" Negi asked.
"Well, to begin with, they all have great, big heaving -" As each superlative was uttered, Negi and the girls leaned closer and closer, anticipating what she might say, fully expecting her to finish by talking about their chests. "Talent!"
The 't' sound there peaked their emotional state, while the syllables that followed deflated them all like balloons. That wasn't what they were expecting her to say. They were, of course, expecting her to say -
"Tits!" screamed the girl from the next room over.
"Um, is she okay?" Asuna asked. "She's been yelling that quite a bit."
"Oh, that's nothing to worry about," Mrs Osaka said. "She's been like that ever since Miss Kirino hugged her. Please don't mind her."
Ahahahaha, oh dear! So that wasn't even done on purpose! A single hug had reduced her to that state! That wasn't concerning at all! Oh, but do pardon Negi for indulging in a little sarcasm inside his own head. It wasn't every day that he learned something extremely stupid, perverse, and powerful existed in this reality.
"Tits!" the girl yelled yet again. "Tits, tits, tits!"
"What else can you tell us about these girls?" Haruna happily chirped, obviously enjoying herself far, far too much. "I mean, aside from their... talent."
"Hrm, well... Index liked to eat quite a lot. Koneko was fairly taciturn. Kirino was fairly short, and Mana -"
"Mana?" Konoka interrupted. "Uh... Was she... a tall girl with tanned skin, maybe carried around something that looked like a sniper rifle?"
"Generally seemed like she was in a bad mood all the time for no particular reason?" Setsuna finished. Surely not. It couldn't be. Could it? Had Mana, their Mana, managed to get involved in this mess...?
"Oh, you know her?" Mrs Osaka asked. "She seemed a little more intense than the others, but they soon got her to relax. I think she'll fit in well. She did seem a little concerned about her enormous heaving perfect tits, though..."
Their Mana was involved in this mess! She'd been given hypnotic tits as well! That was bad. Probably. Mana was extremely competent, and if this 'titnosis' was as dangerous as the report implied - Actually, Mana would at least have the common sense and self control to not completely run amok.
"Luckily, they were able to get her to cut loose, and they all took turns sucking her big fat nipples while she moaned for more," Mrs Osaka said, and just like that all five of them went completely rigid. Imagine that they had all the colour drained from their bodies upon hearing that. "It's such a relief as well, it can't be that healthy to be so cautious all the time. Ah, her wailing for tits was melodic, it sent me to sleep like an old fashioned lullaby..."
"Tits!" the daughter yelled again, and now imagine that the statues the five had turned into started to have cracks forming on the surface. This was... concerning. So it was capable of having that kind of effect on Mana too, was it? Titnosis was real. There was no denying it. No calling it a joke. "Tits!" It was able to affect even those who had fairly strong wills, and knowledge of magic. "Tits!" It was dangerous, it was out there in the public, and it absolutely had to be stopped before it caused any more harm.
"I think that's everything we needed to discuss today, thank you for your time," Negi said, rising to his feet and bowing deeply. "Come on girls, let's leave. Now. Quickly. We have other places to be."
"Eh? But shouldn't we ask where we can find Naru...?" Konoka said, but Setsuna seemed to get the idea, linking arms with her and guiding her out the front door. Negi's eyes were already darting around, meticulously planning out what he needed to do next. This was dangerous. This was delicate. Staying here when Naru and the others could return at any time was extremely dangerous for the sake of their mental health!
"Konoka, I need you to contact your grandfather," Negi said. "Tell him that the report was valid, and the situation is worse than it implied." He furrowed his brow a bit there. "Summarise the conversation. Setsuna, point out anything especially troublesome that should be included. It doesn't need to be long or detailed, so long as it makes the point clear."
"Understood," Setsuna said. Good, she'd grasped the seriousness of the situation in full. "It might be safest if we did not linger here, at least until we have more information."
"Amazing!" Haruna chirped, clasping her hands together and sighing happily. "To think that such a ridiculous thing could be real! It's provided me with such inspiration! My artist's pen is already shaking with anticipation at the things it shall create! A pair of breasts so perfect that they melt the mind as surely as the blazing desert sun melts an ice cube!"
"Pervert," Asuna scoffed. Ah, it was somehow refreshing hearing her direct it at someone other than herself, and if Negi was being perfectly honest then Haruna did kind of deserve it being thrown her way. "Did you not see the way they were behaving? That didn't send a shiver down your spine? You're weirder than I thought."
"Now Asuna, we shouldn't pick a fight with each other," Negi said. "It's clear that Naru Osaka is being targeted by youma because of her new... talent. No doubt they intend to make use of it for some evil goal, therefore we must take this situation with the utmost seriousness."
"Despite how stupid it is?" Asuna asked.
"Especially because of how stupid it is!" Haruna cackled. "Although... Huh, it got overcast really quickly there didn't it?"
As she finished saying that an enormous talon swooped in out of nowhere, grabbed Asuna's shoulders and hoisted her up into the air without a by your leave. At first, she was too shocked to react, but that didn't last long before -
"Hey! Cut it out! Let go, you big dumb bird!" Asuna yelled, headbutting and biting at the legs of the beast lifting her up into the air.
"Kukuku, I've got you now!" the bird cackled loudly. "Caw, caw, caw! Naru Osaka! You are the one with the power of titnosis, are you not? I shall crush you now, and earn my rightful prize!"
"Asuna!" Negi yelled, running after them on the street below. "Hold on, I'll be right there!"
"I'm not Naru, you idiot!" Asuna whined, and by whined we of course mean that she screamed it angrily. "Do I look like Naru?! Seriously!"
"Can't fool me, caw, caw!" the bird cackled. "Red hair. Came out of that house. Cute, but in a kinda normal way that doesn't really stand out. You fit her description to a tee!"
"Except me boobs, idiot! They're normal sized!"
The bird youma cackled and cawed yet again. "You won't trick me!" it insisted. "I'm not looking at your tits! I know the effect they have on the weak willed and feeble minded!"
Asuna glowered at it, waiting for it to notice it had just described itself as weak willed and feeble minded. It was taking a depressingly long time for it to make the connection. Come on, really, you're not seeing it...? Just gonna do that annoying crow laugh like it's no big deal? Every moment it took to realise made it more and more obvious to Asuna that, yep, this thing was pretty darn stupid. So stupid that it would probably go under even if it looked at her boobs. Which were still nice, just not... you know, mind meltingly hypnotic or pleasant to look at.
"Huh, the wind sure is picking up around here all of a sudden," the crow said. "I wonder what - oh what the hell is that?!"
'That' was the sight of her teacher, having leaped high into the air carried by powerful gusts of wind bearing down upon the bird with lightning in his palm. It gave him an aura that made him seem either angelic or demonic depending on the angle you looked at him from - or what your own personal feelings about him being there might be.
"Leave. My. Student. Alone!" he yelled, before descending hard and fast, clocking the crow youma across its beak, sending it reeling backwards - and dropping Asuna in the process! However! Negi held out his hand, and another gust of air caught her as she fell, softening her landing enough that he was able to get under her and properly cushion her fall.
"You okay?" Negi asked. Or... that's what she figured he'd asked. That's what her lip reading was telling her. It was a little hard to tell on account of her own heartbeat pounding in her ears. So cool... Bu-But that didn't mean anything at all! So what if he was cool once in a while?!
"Y-You rescued me like that so you could use the wind to whip up my skirt, didn't you?" Asuna bonked him on the head. "Pervert! Blegh!"
Looking up, she could see that Setsuna was already cutting the youma to shreds while it reeled from Negi's punch. Well, good! Though... it was a bit worrying it was able to take even one of those. She'd seen him hit pretty hard when he wanted to, and that blow looked like it would have collapsed a building! That was even before you considered the thunderbolt he'd been holding onto... That thing must've been tough!
No sooner had she thought that than something warm and slimy wrapped around her ankle and tried to drag her away. "Naru Osaka..." something nearby hissed. "Your tits shall not enslave my will!"
Great, she'd been grabbed by some kind of squid monster! Tentacles?! Again! Before it could haul her off anywhere, a large breasted redhaired woman appeared out of nowhere and pulled a tentacle into her cleavage.
"Noooo!" the squid creature screamed before running off - Who knows where? "I must flee before she hypnotises meeeee!"
"Hehehehe, looks like that was a 'bust'!" Haruna chuckled. Right. Of course. Her Pactio was a pretty special one. She could make basically anything come to life so long as she had drawn it. "Uh, teacher, far be it from me to point this out, but -"
"We seem to be getting surrounded by a lot of weirdos," Konoka finished for her. Indeed, now that Asuna was taking a good look around... she was certainly seeing a lot of very unfriendly people and inanimate objects descending on their position. Not even looking at her either, they were all pretty much walking backwards, as if they were trying their absolute best to not look at her chest.
"Haruna, quick!" Negi said. "Make more of those busty redheads! These guys... they're pretty tough, and there's so many of them -" Even Negi was worried? "I can't keep you all safe while fighting so many at once! To be honest, I might not even win if I went all out... I thought that punch would've knocked that crow cold."
Next to him, Setsuna had her sword drawn, ready to join the fray at a moment's notice. She then whirled around to stand back to back with him, the two of them mindful of Asuna's position. No way. No way! They were all after her because she had red hair?!
"Naru Osaka... Naru Osaka!" they were all chanting in eerie unison. This was so unsettling! Is this what that Naru girl had to go through on a regular basis? How eerie! It was a wonder she was still sane!
"Hrm, is my teacher demanding I use this Pactio he gave me to form a harem of big breasted redheads~" Haruna asked, twirling her pen around and doodling quickly on her paper with stars in her eyes. "Very well then! Now that I know your fetish, teacher, I am only too happy to fulfill it!"
"Ah, please don't go ascribing fetishes to me because of a tactical decision..." Negi asked, knowing full well that it was already too late. Haruna's Pactio brought them to life, an assortment of redheaded babes with, frankly, enormous busts that jiggled and bounced around in ways that defied physics and human biology and -
"Did you have to give them all my face?!" Asuna yelled, while the girls all posed seductively, wilfully flaunting their goods and, in turn, making Asuna feel like she'd taken an arrow straight to the heart. "Noooo! Negi, why would you order her to do this?!"
He didn't respond. His eyes were whirling, and he was too busy wiping blood from his nose from where he'd fainted on the ground. Stupid teacher! This is no time for something like that! Look at them! Sauntering over, tittering away. One of them pushed her chest into the back of one of the youma, while another pair ran out ahead to lean forward right where they couldn't be missed. Another still went up to a window and posed so that the reflection would be visible to another youma, it was ridiculous, it was obscene, it was - The worst part was it was -
"Run away!" the youma yelled. It was working! "Too many big boobies! Run! Run for it!"
This... This had to be the weirdest and most awful adventure they'd been on yet. At least the Asuna clones were quickly disposed of now that they'd scared off the youma. Although... Huh. Something was a bit strange about that. They'd all run off so quickly, and now the street was eerily silent. Asuna might not be the smartest person around, but her instincts were usually pretty good. Why did this bother her? What was wrong here...?
Wait a minute...
"The Osakas!" she slapped her forehead in realisation. "If they want Naru's power of titnosis, then why would they send mooks after her? To distract her, while they grabbed her family!"
Negi was already moving, a blur as he ran back to the house. The rest of them followed after, and by the time they arrived they found... a home in disarray. No sign of the occupants. Naru's mother and younger sister had been taken away by the bad guys, right under their noses. Dammit!
"I think our investigation just got a lot more complicated," Negi muttered darkly to himself. Right. No argument there. As ridiculous as this situation was, Asuna couldn't bear it. The idea that those creeps would kidnap those two mind whammied victims just like that, purely so they could control such a ridiculous power! It sickened her, it was nauseating to even consider - and she would be damned sure they would pay for it by the time this was all through!
Go back - Go to the parent episode.
Fri Apr 04 15:07:32 2025