Once everything else was over and Sean was able to relax a bit, the doctor began writing something down. He paused and asked "What names do you parents want to give the babies?"
"What? Parents?" replied Sean. It still hurt between his legs, from all the stretching he had to do to give birth.
"Right. I put you two both down as parents, since I can't say 'alien plant'. Besides..."
"Wait a minute!" exclaimed Sean. "If it's just a normal single mother you can put down one parent. Why can't you put down one here?"
"I could," said the doctor, "but I was trying to tell you something. I need to hear the *entire* story. Starting from the beginning. Before Sean here got there."
"You mean my story?" said Jim. "the plant, er..." Jim turned slightly red. "I don't want to say it, but it... well, the plant stuck something up my ass. It was trying to have sex with me too."
"I thought so," said the doctor. "I told you the plant is an alien pregnancy aid. Consider this: if the plant is an alien pregnancy aid and the other half of the babies isn't plant, what *is* the other half?"
"I don't understand," said Jim.
"Well, let me ask you this. Jim, the plant invaded your body, but it didn't do it to give you female organs or to make you pregnant. So why *would* it invade your body? What would a pregnancy aid do with your body, other than make you pregnant?"
"I still don't understand!"
"Well, I'll tell you. The plant impregnated Sean, but the babies aren't half Sean, half plant. They're all human. So where did the other human half come from? From another human! That's what it did. The plant went into your body--it was just unfortunate that it chose your ass--sent something into your body to collect genetic material, got it out, then used that to impregnate Sean. Jim is the mother and Sean is the father. The babies really are both of yours.
The doctor picked up a laminated sheet of cardboard with something printed on it and gave it to Sean and Jim. "Here's a list of baby names. Better pick something fast."
"Uhh," said Sean, looking over the list. "How about, er, Sam and Joan?"
"Sure," said Jim.
"Sam and Joan it is," said the doctor. The babies were on another bed, apparently asleep.
"I had a baby in a few hours," said Sean. "How fast are the babies going to grow?"
"Oh," said the doctor. "It's the laws of physics. They can't grow faster than you can feed them. Anyway I need to do some measurements."
Sean and Jim weren't sure what the doctor was measuring, but he took a blood sample, measured the babies' height and the length of their hair, and eventually explained...
Sun May 20 16:37:53 2007